iMiss Freddie
by PD31
Summary: "We're his BEST FRIENDS. How come he never looked this happy when hanging with us?" Carly & Freddie, but not necessarily Creddie.
1. Freddie's News

**Authors Note: This story was inspired, in part, by a discussion I had with OneHorseShay about how we'd like to see certain characters develop before iCarly finishes. The following story will be written from Carly's PoV, unless otherwise stated.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own iCarly or any of the characters or situations that have appeared on the show. If you don't recognise a character, then the chances are that I dreamed them up.**

I struggled downstairs, said a sleepy "Good morning" to Spencer and ate a quick breakfast, which I had just finished when there was a knock on the door.

"Hey," said Freddie, entering our apartment. "Wanna ride to school today?"

"Yes, please" I replied, picking up my bag. "'Bye Spencer"

"Have fun kids!" he shouted as we left.

As we walked to Freddie's car I noticed an unusual spring in his step and a broad smile on his face.

"What's with the good mood?" I asked.

"What's to be unhappy about this fine Monday morning?"

I grabbed his arm. "Ok, spill it! NOBODY likes a school day THIS much – especially a Monday. We said no more secrets, remember?"

He sighed. "Ok. I had a date yesterday, with Rachel. I think it went pretty well."

"Oh. Uh, that's great." Then a thought struck me. "So have you told Sam that you're dating again?"

"No."

"Well, are you gonna?"

"I figured I don't have to." I raised my eyebrows after he said that. "Well," he continued, "she's never on time for school, I don't have a class with her until 3rd period and you're with her in P 1 and 2, so by the time I see her the whole school will know" he finished with a smile.

"Are you saying I can't keep a secret?" I asked, getting rather annoyed. He just looked at me.

"I won't say anything. But YOU will!" I snapped as he started the car.

* * *

><p>I bit my tongue throughout first two periods; it was difficult not telling Sam, though fortunately she was asleep by the middle of first period and again in period 2. Finally it was break time and Sam and I saw Freddie by his locker. I decided it was time for Sam and Freddie to have a little talk.<p>

"Hi Freddie," I said, looking pointedly at him.

"Hey girls." He smiled. I cleared my throat meaningfully in his direction. He rolled his eyes and sighed but then spoke up. "Sam, just so know you know, I was on a date with Rachel yesterday. I think it went ok."

"Oh," said Sam but then quickly recovered her poise. "So, what's wrong with the chick?"

Freddie looked annoyed at this but before he could say anything Rachel walked up to him, or at least I assume it was Rachel given that she stood behind him, wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder saying "Hey Freddie."

"Hey Rachel" he replied, confirming things.

I took stock of the girl. Roughly his height, pretty, shoulder-length ginger hair, cute smile. She seemed nice.

"Fancy hitting the mall after school?" she asked him.

"Sure" he said. "Though we'll have to swing by my place first. I gave Carly a ride in today so I have to get her home."

"It's ok" I spoke up. "Sam's mom will take me home, right?" I said looking at Sam.

"Uh, sure" she responded, only looking like she was half-aware of the conversation taking place around her.

"See you later girls" Rachel said, taking Freddie's hand and dragging him off somewhere leaving us behind, me smiling, Sam scowling.

"I hate that skunkbag" she growled in a low voice. I guess she's not happy that Freddie's dating.

* * *

><p>3rd period was a frosty affair. Freddie was sat in front of Sam, seemingly oblivious as she glared at the back of his head throughout. I tried to make some small talk with Sam but to no avail. The one positive was that it was the first time all year she had stayed awake for the entire class. The rest of the day passed in similar fashion, Freddie ignoring, or being unaware of, the fact that Sam was furious, I was trying to keep her reasonably calm. It didn't help that Rachel was with us in last period (Science) and that with a new project starting, she and Freddie were working together. Unfortunately that left me with Sam, and I found myself having to do the work of both of us as she sulked and stared at them for the whole hour, despite my constant urging of her to pull her weight in the work we had to do. The second the bell went they disappeared hand-in-hand, leaving Sam and I staring after them.<p>

"Come on," I said, "let's head to the parking lot and wait for your mom."

"She's not picking me up tonight" said Sam.

"What? You said at break she was and I could get a lift with you!"

"Did I? I dunno. I wasn't listening after the dork and that skunkbag showed up."

"Great! Now what do we do? Spencer's not back from his camping trip with Socko until later tonight. I guess it's the bus home then."

Sam's phone rang.

"Hey mom, what's up? You want me home now? Ok, I'm on my way" she sighed. "Sorry Carls, gotta go." And with that she left.

I rolled my eyes and looked around. Even for a Monday, this had been a really bad day.


	2. Losing Control

I haven't seen much of Freddie outside of school recently. He's been with Rachel a lot, even missing a couple of iCarly rehearsals this week. Sam's particularly angry at that, though I get the feeling that it's his choice of company as much as his missing rehearsals, which is upsetting her.

_(2 days earlier)_

"_Hey Freddie" Sam shouted as Freddie and Rachel left his locker after school finished. "Don't forget it's rehearsal in an hour."_

"_Oh I can't make it" he replied, taking Rachel's hand. "We're going to see a movie. E-mail me a list of the sketches you're doing and I'll make sure I'm prepared on the night."_

_And with that they left before Sam could respond._

"I'm here" said Freddie as he walked into the iCarly studio. About time too, we were going live in under two minutes. Sam, already upset about the rehearsals, was now close to boiling point. We got through the show though, all the stuff we'd told Freddie we were doing worked well and I felt that the show had been a real success.

"And we're clear!" said Freddie, putting down his camera and heading for the door.

"Whoa there, Techboy!" yelled Sam, striding toward him. "We need to talk about this."

"What, Sam?"

"Duh, about you skipping rehearsals, and showing up seconds before the show. It's not good enough…" but Freddie cut her off.

"Who died and made YOU, of ALL people, Miss Punctuality?" he snapped.

"Freddie," I began gently, "since you and Rachel started dating, you HAVE been neglecting the show. We just think that you… that ALL of us owe it to our fans to make sure we keep delivering the best show we can for them."

"I accept that Carly, but I don't have the time that I used to."

"So dump the chick" interjected Sam. Great one Sam, you're really not helping here.

Freddie looked furious. "Are you telling me to choose between Rachel and iCarly?" he challenged her.

"No" I blurted out before Sam could make things worse and say something that we would all regret, "just that the show is important to all of us. You, me, Sam, Gibby, our fans – and that it needs us all to be here and to work hard at it, or the quality will drop, and I'm sure none of us want that to happen."

"Ok" sighed Freddie, "I'll try to give a bit more time to the show – but I can't devote all the time I used to. We'll see if we can find a happy medium. I'll see you later Carls" and without a word or a look to Sam, he left.

Sam was fuming – it took me a long time, and a lot of ham, to calm her down.

* * *

><p>Sam and I talked a lot that night about what we could do. She was still intent on breaking Freddie and Rachel up and, with the show in danger of suffering from Freddie's absence, I was minded to agree. Of course we'd need to be subtle about it (which rules out many of Sam's ideas) so that Freddie didn't realise we'd been behind it. That would obviously alienate him completely – the last thing we wanted. In the end we decided that the best thing to do was to arrange a few more outside scenes and skits, making sure they were filmed and edited in advance, limiting the free time Freddie would have to spend with Rachel. We decided that the first one would be Monday, straight after school. Freddie had been with Rachel quite a lot that weekend (I'd heard them coming and going from his apartment a few times) so I figured he'd be willing to give us Monday evening. We decided to see him straight after school about it.<p>

"Grab your camera, techdork, we're filming outside tonight" Sam said jovially as we left class.

"Sorry I can't" said Freddie. "I already have plans."

"With Rachel?" Sam asked slowly

"Yep."

"What about what we said after the show?" I asked. "You said you'd give more time to iCarly."

"Yes," he said, "but you can't spring things on me with no notice and just assume I'm free."

I could see Sam out of the corner of my eye. She'd clearly had enough of this. Before I could stop her she yelled out.

"That's it. Time to choose. Rachel – or iCarly, because clearly you can't carry on with both."

"Fine" he said. "I choose Rachel. I'll call in at the studio now and collect my things."

He got in his car and, leaving us behind, drove back to Bushwell Plaza. Fortunately Mrs Puckett pulled up a minute or two later so we weren't too far behind him.

When we got to my apartment Spencer was sat on the coach watching TV. He told us Freddie was upstairs and hadn't said very much as he passed. Spencer thought he looked angry. I found it impossible to disagree with him. We ran up to the studio, me to see if I could talk him into staying. Sam? Well I can only guess what was going through her head.

"Freddie, don't quit" I began as we walked into the studio. Freddie had packed up his tech cart and was stood by the elevator. "Please, we can work this out – we WERE working it out when we talked after the last show."

"Yes" he agreed, "then SAM told me to make a choice. I tend to feel that someone who asks you to make that sort of choice isn't worth choosing."

"Let's talk about this. Please, for me?" Hey, it always worked in the past.

"That doesn't work anymore Carly, I've grown up since the little boy you could twist round your little finger with that line and the puppy-dog-eye look."

"Please" I repeated, "please stay with us. We NEED you."

He looked at Sam for confirmation. She glared back for a few seconds before Freddie shook his head and stepped into the elevator.

"So that's it?" Sam began to stutter. "You're just gonna leave us? What do we do now?"

"You got your pearphone with you?" Freddie asked.

"Yes" Sam said, looking confused.

"Then call someone who cares" he said simply as the lift door closed and he headed downstairs.

We looked at each other for a few seconds until we heard the apartment front door open, then close a few seconds later. Freddie had done it. He'd walked out of iCarly. Maybe out of our lives altogether. How could this have happened? We talked and resolved to redouble our efforts to get rid of Rachel and get Freddie back where he belongs.


	3. iEnrage Freddie

**AN: Thanks for the reviews guys. BushwellNYC – thank you, I was hoping that I'd captured the mindset of the main characters and I'm glad that you feel that way.**

**SirRay – you're correct in that this is about Carly having to rethink her priorities and how she defines friendship with regard to Freddie and that he's finally realised that he can happier, and treated better, than is the case with the girls. **

* * *

><p>After Freddie quit on us last night I woke up determined to make a start on getting him back with us on iCarly. I decided that the best way to do this was to talk to him alone – Sam's attitude had driven her to giving him the ultimatum – maybe if I just get him alone, first thing this morning and speak to him calmly before school, I could smooth things over now that he'd had a chance to sleep on his decision. I slipped on my jeans and a T-shirt, ate a quick breakfast and at 7:15 I crossed the hallway and knocked on the door to the Bensons' apartment – figuring that it wasn't so early that I'd get a crazy Mrs Benson screaming at me, but was early enough that Freddie would still be there. Freddie's mom answered the door and she did not look pleased to see me.<p>

"Good morning Carly" she said curtly.

"Hi Mrs Benson. Can I talk to Freddie please?" I said as politely as I could.

"No, he's not here. He left early to go to the library."

"What? Why?"

"He and Rachel are meeting there to get their homework and projects done early so that they can spend more time together on evenings and weekends." Wait, is she actually SMILING at the redhead's name? That's definitely a smile, and a much softer expression than she had when she "greeted" me a minute ago. "I've never seen my son this happy" she finished conversationally.

I was shocked at the comment.

"Do you not KNOW what happened last night then?" I asked.

"Yes," she said dismissively, "Sam gave him an ultimatum and he picked his girlfriend. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for work."

She closed the door and left me stood in the hallway, a heavy weight sinking down my chest.

* * *

><p>"So," Sam said when we met at our lockers, "any ideas for Operation Break-Up?"<p>

"Not yet," I said hopelessly, "and you can't do anything to Rachel or Freddie will never forgive us and even if she dumps him over it, he won't come back."

"So what do we do?" she asked with more than a hint of frustration.

"I dunno – maybe 'observe' them… ok, spy on them" I amended after seeing her confused look. "See what they're like together and see if there's anything that we can use to our advantage."

"Still using words I don't understand Carls." Sam pointed out.

Fortunately the bell curtailed any further conversation and we headed to, ironically enough, English class. We took our seats and saw Freddie and Rachel enter hand-in-hand, gazing at each other, ignoring the disgusted glare Miss Briggs shot at them – a glare that she seemed to be sharing with Sam right about now. He really DOES look happier than I've seen him in a long time, not since… I pushed the rest of that thought out of my mind and went back to watching the couple, Freddie whispering to Rachel as they sat there, causing them to share a giggle and her to put her hand suggestively on his arm.

"Quit it you two, not in my classroom" shouted Briggs.

"Wow, I actually agree with her on something!" Sam muttered next to me.

I caught up with Freddie at his locker after the lesson, he and Rachel had different classes next period, and I asked if I could talk to him – alone – later in the day.

"What's left to say?" he asked. "Has Sam changed her mind?"

"No, but…" I started before he interrupted.

"Then there's nothing more to say on the subject. Sam will not accept Rachel and I are together, or that I have to – and I want to – put her before the show…" my face must have fallen for a moment because he gestured towards me with his hand and continued "looks like you don't want to accept that either. So I'm going to stick with my choice, that's the way it has to be Carly" and he left for P2.

I spent the rest of the day watching them together, wherever and whenever I could – at lunch they were eating together, sharing their food, flirting, touching, laughing, looking so, so happy together. After last class I caught up with Sam a short distance from Rachel's locker. She had a big smile on her face. The smile that told me alarm bells should be ringing.

"What did you do?" I asked her.

"Relax, I know you won't let me hit her – so Plan B instead" and she pointed towards the lockers, where Gibby was approaching Rachel, putting on his full swagger. Oh no, Sam you didn't…

We could hear the conversation plainly from here, Gibby was clearly putting the moves on – Rachel didn't seem remotely interested. In fact she looked revolted. _Yes Sam, you did…_

"Aren't you still dating Tasha?" she asked.

"We're not exclusive" he shrugged, "so leave Freddie behind and come get some Gibby love."

"Leave. Me. Alone." She told him very slowly, very deliberately.

"Aw, come on baby." Gibby replied.

Out of the corner of my eye I suddenly saw Freddie striding towards them; by the look on his face he'd clearly overheard at least some of the conversation. He grabbed Gibby by the back of the neck, yanked him backwards and said,

"She said LEAVE HER ALONE" smashing Gibby's head into the lockers with each word. "You hypocrite" he continued, ramming Gibby's face into the lockers again.

Sam and I rushed over to intervene, while Rachel just stood watching, a big smile on her face and arms folded across her chest. Mr Howard got to the group before we did and shouted,

"Benson – leave him alone. Detention. Now!"

Rachel began arguing with Howard at this, trying to tell him what Gibby was up to. He simply said,

"I don't care – and you can join him in detention. Come on, both of you. Now!"

She just shrugged and began following her boyfriend and the teacher, but not before walking past Gibby and driving her elbow into his back, VERY hard, pushing his face into the lockers yet again. Sam and I took Gibby to the school nurse, his face was a bloodied mess, it looked like his nose was broken and both eyes were badly swollen, then once we were satisfied that he was ok, we got in my car and headed back to Bushwell Plaza, brainstorming about what we could do next to solve the Rachel problem.

* * *

><p>There was no sign of Freddie coming home that evening – Sam and I knocked on his door around 7, long after he should have been back from detention, simply to be told by Mrs Benson that he would be at Rachel's all evening. She was aware that he'd been in detention and, while she made it clear that she was upset that he had resorted to violence, that she wasn't angry – in fact she seemed proud that he'd stood up for his girlfriend.<p>

Sam left around 9 (her mom is still trying really hard to be a good parent at the moment) and around 9:30 I heard a jangle of keys across the hallway. I slipped out of the door just as Freddie was stepping across the threshold.

"Hey!" I shouted.

"Oh, Carly. Hi." He said flatly.

"I thought you'd want to know – Gibby's ok. Broken nose and a black eye, but no permanent damage."

"I'll have to hit him harder if he tries anything like that again then" Freddie shrugged. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"He's your FRIEND! I argued.

"Really?" Freddie asked, leaning against the doorframe. "What sort of friend acts like that? Makes a big thing about a misunderstanding then does the same thing he accuses me of not once, but twice?"

I must have looked a bit confused as I tried to work out what he was talking about, but he pressed on.

"Here's a better question Carly. You saw what he was doing? So why take his side over mine?"

"He was hurt!" I argued. "I was looking out for him, because THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO" as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"So why did you never look out for me?" he asked quietly.

Again I was struck into silence, wondering what on earth he meant. He must have misinterpreted my silence as an inability to answer as he then stunned me saying,

"I get it – we're not actually friends. Thank you Carly, you've finally been honest with me."

"What, of course we're friends, how could you think otherwise?" I was asking, but I ended the sentence talking to his door as he went inside, leaving me stood there, my mind whirling. How could he think we're not friends – we're his BEST FRIENDS, me, Sam, Gibby. How can he think otherwise? And how can he be happier with _Rachel_ than he is with us? And, reeling from the conversation, I wearily headed back into my apartment, deciding an early night was in order.


	4. Ghosts of Creddie's Past Part I

I lay in bed, sleep wasn't coming easily. My question from earlier – "why does Freddie look happier with her than with his best friends?" – was racing round my head. I couldn't understand how spending _less_ time with his best friends could cause such an improvement in his mood, yes he has a girlfriend now, or at least he's dated her a few times, but he's seeing way less of us than he did before. Seeing your friends and spending time with them makes you happy doesn't it? With these questions seemingly unanswerable I drifted into a fitful sleep.

I found myself in what looked like my room, though it was strange – the middle of the room looked the same, though it was lit far more softly than it would be by my gummi bear chandelier, but the outer recesses of the room were pitch black. I heard footsteps approaching and was shocked to see Freddie emerging from the blackness and coming to a stop at the foot of my bed.

"Freddie? What are you doing in my room?" I asked in shock.

"I'm not really Freddie" was his cryptic reply.

"I don't understand."

'He' sighed. "As simply as I can then, you're asleep. Your subconscious mind wants to talk to you and has chosen Freddie as the best representation, given that he's the one occupying your every thought at the moment. You're trying to figure out why he's happier when you're not around so there'll be two visitors to take you on a trip through the years of your relationship with him to try and explain why that is."

"I thought there were normally three 'ghosts' or whatever that visit people."

"Times are hard, the economy's tanking so we had to fire one" he shrugged and sat on my bed. "Anyway, times a-wasting here, we need to get moving."

And with that the room dissolved into blackness before we found ourselves stood in what looked like a classroom at Ridgeway. Sam and I were sat there with a handful of the school's miscreants and reprobates. It was the day we filmed iCarly from detention.

"Why are we here?" I asked 'Freddie'.

"I told you. We're here to see how little you think of your 'best friend'."

"What? That's not true!" I protested.

He shrugged again. "Just watch then."

I stood as my younger self called to Freddie who began to climb to the window up a ladder. The look-out warned that Mr. Howard was returning and I watched as Sam pushed the ladder away, sending Freddie into the bushes outside the school. The show continued with the teacher departing again and 13-year-old Carly calling out to Freddie and hearing his response. Then everything froze.

"You see?" said 'Freddie'. "What was your reaction to Sam pushing Freddie off a ladder? You did NOTHING. Your only concern was getting him in here afterwards to do your precious webshow. No question about how he was, no concern that he was clearly in pain after falling two stories into some bushes. No condemnation for Sam's bullying. All that mattered to you was making sure that he was there to do iCarly."

I frowned but found myself unable to say anything. I watched as the world darkened, before reappearing as the iCarly studio.

"Ah, your finest hour." We were in the iCarly studio. Young me was pouring meatballs into bowls, an angry expression on my/her face. I remembered the confrontation over Sam telling the world Freddie had never kissed a girl – how much it had hurt him, what effect it had had on him. Sam walked in and the scene played out, the rare look of guilt on Sam's face, her impassioned message, and confession, to the iCarly viewers, her walking out to talk to Freddie. And then I remembered what had happened between them later on that evening. "The one time you really confronted her over her treatment of him. Sure there were rare occasions – the bet that she couldn't be nice to him for a whole week, but how often did you intervene when she physically hurt him? Why don't we take a look?"

The world faded to black again, to be replaced by a tree-house. The day we met Fred. I saw myself encouraging Sam to beat Freddie with a tennis racquet. I saw her drag him back into the room, looking dishevelled and in pain. The younger me just stood there with a satisfied look on her face as Freddie was forced to apologise to Fred for telling him he wasn't funny. Alt-Freddie looked at me with disgust on his face.

"How do you sleep at night?" he asked. "Oh, that's right – you don't! That's why I'm here. Moving on," and before I could respond the scene had shifted again. I saw Sam and Freddie walking into my apartment, Freddie angry that Sam had cut up his clothes. It shifted again to Sam throwing an apple into his shoulder from close range, an orange into his back, hard enough to send him to the ground. I saw her wrestle him to the floor, push him off chairs. As the montage continued, all I could hear, and I'm not sure if it was coming from me or from my subconscious, "And you let it happen. And you stood and watched." Over and over again.

"You call him your best friend – why, when you hate him so much?" asked 'Freddie'.

"I don't hate him!"

"Really? You covered up for Sam over wrecking Freddie's application. You never told him about it. You put her ahead of him YET AGAIN when you did that. Then when he found out you were only interested in brow-beating him into forgiving her. Why? So you could salve your own conscience for threatening their relationship in the first place by telling Mrs. Benson about it?"

"That wasn't the only reason!" I protested. "It wasn't JUST for me, to alleviate some guilt. I did it for them – both of them. They were finally happy in their relationship. They were getting on well together and it was going well for them. I didn't want to be the one to wreck that. I was thinking of Freddie every bit as much as anyone else when I persuaded him to forgive Sam!"

"Thinking of him? They were getting on well? She admitted that she still hit him! You actually thought her not hitting him in the face any more was 'cute'! You call him your best friend and you do your best to keep him in an abusive relationship! What kind of 'friend' does that?"

I was completely at a loss as the ramifications of Sam's actions were becoming clearer to me. Looking at all the evidence of what she'd done to Freddie, and this was just what I knew about, led me to realise that I really did know why Freddie was happier without her. 'Freddie' spoke up:

"And then there's Gibby. Let's have a look at what HE's done on your watch."

I watched as Gibby railed at Freddie, accused him of trying to steal Tasha from him, telling him he was going to fight him. I saw myself and Sam offering Freddie no sympathy, treating the whole thing as a joke. My mood lifted slightly when my younger self told Sam to talk to Gibby to get him to call off the fight, then felt horror as young Carly barely responded to Sam returning with news that not only had she NOT talked him out of it, but that she was training him and had decided that the fight would be live on iCarly.

"I said I was AGAINST Gibby fighting him!" I tried to defend myself.

"You didn't do anything to stop it though. You didn't tell Gibby he wasn't welcome in your apartment if he was intent on fighting Freddie. You didn't step up and tell Sam that you wouldn't let it be on iCarly. You may have said you were against it, but you could have done more to try to stop it. Instead you watched while Sam trained Gibby to hurt Freddie. You let her have the fight live on your show – then Gibby turns around and does EXACTLY what he accused Freddie of – and you wonder why he's happier without you all."

I watched as that scene in the Groovie Smoothie played out, shaking my head. Was I disgusted by what I was watching, or the fact that it hadn't upset me before. One last sliver of self-preservation kicked in and I rounded on Alt-Freddie.

"None of this is my fault! I'm not their keeper! I'm not responsible for what other people do!"

"I never said that you were. But you wanted to know why Freddie's happier not hanging with you, Sam, Gibby and Brad. How about this one, Gibby wanted Sam to stop hitting him and go back to taking everything all out on Freddie. Your reaction? To give him the information to try and break them up. Is there ANYONE out there whose side you WON'T take over Freddie's?"

"That's not fair. Ok, so those two make his life miserable, and ok I haven't put a stop to it all, but I'm not to blame for their behaviour. I've done nothing bad to him!"

Alt-Freddie shot me a look of pure disbelief. "No," he said, "I just haven't had time to show you your part in it all. Someone else will do that!"

"What? I don't understand."

"You will" he said, and with that he turned and walked into the darkness, fading into it until he disappeared.

I woke with a start and peered around my room in the gloom. Everything was as it should be – no all-enveloping darkness around the fringes, no spot-light, nobody else in the room. I glanced over at my clock and groaned. 3 a.m. I had a feeling that this was still going to be a long night.


	5. Ghosts of Creddie's Past Part II

**AN: Thank you all for the continued reviews. Sockstar – if you thought the last chapter found Carly's behaviour wanting, then as the song says "You ain't seen nothing yet". Cameddie – thanks.**

**SirRay, thank you for your comments. Remember that we're not dealing with "ghosts" per se but with Carly's subconscious mind – she was wondering about her relationship with Freddie so it manifested itself as Freddie (so the comment was the sort of flippant reply I think Carly might have given in that situation – sort of an 'ask a silly question and get a silly answer'). It can only tell her what she already knows (or has experienced), not what has been happening in Freddie's private life, so it's not exactly a Dickensian Christmas Carol-style tale, but using experiences from Carly's own life to answer her question as to why he's happier without Sam or Gibby – as hinted her turn comes in this chapter. So long as it remains Carly's PoV, all that the story can reveal is what she sees, hears, is told etc. – and Freddie's not exactly in the mood to share too much personal information with her at the moment. As for the apple, you're correct, I misremembered – and with the events of iKiss being her finest hour, well as they say in my neck of the words: opinions are like arseholes, everybody's got one. Whatever her motivations, it's still a pretty damning indictment that it's in the conversation of the nicest thing she's ever done for Freddie.**

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><p>I drifted off to sleep again still a little shaken from my… nightmare? Visit? Whatever that Freddie was it had troubled me. Again my dream found me laid in my room with a visitor emerging from the shadows to stand over me. This time it wasn't Freddie, though, it was… me?<p>

"Yes" my alter-ego began, answering my unspoken question, "Earlier you argued that you're not responsible for the actions of others – well this time it's all about you. Nobody else, not what you've watched other people do, this is what YOU do and your relationship with the boy you think of as your other 'best friend'."

I groaned as the room dissolved around me again. I saw my 13-year-old self talking with Freddie in the hallway between our apartments. I'd forgotten just how small and skinny he was at that age.

"I'm in love with you, you just want to be friends" he said before the scene swiftly vanished, replaced by us getting ready for the talent show auditions. Because I'd asked to use his camera Freddie had assembled his entire range of tech equipment, just for me – and brought me breakfast. After hearing Sam's jibes he made to pack up and leave, but stayed when I asked him to. The scene shifted again and I stood through a montage of myself using the line "Please, for me" to manipulate Freddie into doing things that he really didn't want to – and some of the consequences he had to suffer as a result of doing what I wanted him to. A sweet smile, a flutter of the eyelashes and Freddie would acquiesce to my every whim and request, no matter how reluctant he looked, no matter what it would cost him. The scene lingered on me teaching Sam to be more lady-like, forcing Freddie to role-play with her, which ended with her trying to rip his leg out of its socket and pinning him to the ground. I winced at the sight. Finally we moved on, though the next scene was no better – Nora's house.

"At least Carly cares about me" Freddie snapped at Sam. And guess who chose that exact moment to electrocute him with Spencer's "prank pen"?

"No warning, no time to prepare himself" Alt-Carly reminded me. "And sadly that's not the worst thing that happened to him there." I looked on as Nora jumped Freddie and began trying to make out with him. He was trying to fight her off, meanwhile Sam and my past self stood calmly watching and eating cake.

"Again and again you do nothing" my 'twin' whispered sadly. "This time you actually put cake before Freddie and his feelings." Another scene-shift, back to downstairs in my apartment but now Freddie was sat at the computer drooling over pictures of Tori. I saw myself, orange in hand when Alt-Carly waved a hand and the scene paused.

"You threw that at him from close range."

"He was drooling over another girl" I argued.

"Why did you care?" she asked. "You had a boyfriend, you were 'madly in love' – again, you were looking at what your name would be like if you married him. Another of Carly's wonderful 'future husbands'" – wow, my subconscious loves air quotes, and sticking the knife in – "yet when your 'best friend'" – there she goes again – "has the temerity to find another girl attractive..." The scene continued, an orange striking Freddie square in the back from close range, sending him to the ground, and my younger self celebrated doing it to him. "What makes you think you should treat your 'best friend' like that?"

At times like this attack is the best form of defence.

"Freddie LOVES me. He said he hadn't given up on me AND HE NEVER WILL. He does anything I ask and I want to keep it that way." _Wow, when I put it like that…_

"So that's what you base your friendship on? If unconditional one-sided love is what you want then you buy a Labrador puppy, you don't manipulate your friends."

"He knows the situation, he accepted it for years. It's how we work. He does stuff to make me happy. And seeing me happy makes HIM happy."

"Yet by your own admission, he's now happier with her than he's ever been with you. Except when you two were briefly together, of course. That was the one time that he thought his life with you was perfect. The only time he was happy with you was when you weren't acting like yourself. What does that tell you?" Ouch, that hurt.

"Let's move on" she said, turning back to me. "We've seen what you do to him; let's have a look at more of what he does for you. You know what he did just because you asked, and what you were able to manipulate him into doing. Let's see a couple of other things, things that he did willingly."

We were stood in the Groovy Smoothie; I recognised it as the night of the Girls' Choice Dance. Just the two of us as my verbally diarrhetic date was sent packing. I was watching the scene from over Freddie's shoulder, my 15-year-old self commenting that it hadn't been a very fun dance, and the look of sadness on her… _her? my? This is getting way too confusing_ …face. Freddie stood up and asked for one nice dance. Instantly young Carly accepted with a radiant smile – mood instantly lifted by Freddie's little act. The two danced closer then I noticed the door to the place open and close twice.

"What happened there?" I asked my guide.

"I'm guessing someone came in – saw the two of you together alone and then left again."

"Who?"

"I know as much as you do" she shrugged. "Remember all this is inside your head, I can't tell you anything that you don't already know. You don't know if someone walked in, or who, just that the door opened twice – so neither do I."

"So how can I see ANY of this? Surely it should all be through my own eyes?"

"You've always had a good imagination. And it's a lot easier to show you stuff when you can see the whole scene, not just your own perspective. Anyway, moving on…" and with sadness in my heart at seeing such a perfect little memory end, I saw the world fade quickly to black again.

We were outside. I glanced around trying to find my younger self this time. The road, the bunny suit… I know what's coming here, and it's a taco truck. I watched the scene unfolding, the truck coming towards me, Freddie's muffled shout then him knocking me clear of the truck and taking the impact himself. Everything froze except for my guide and me.

"See what he'll do for you? Without being asked, with no expectation of getting anything from you, he'll do something, like the dance, just to see you smile, to save your night – or to save your LIFE. As I said earlier, when you became infatuated and weren't yourself you dated him after that. Yet you never gave him a chance once the 'hero worship'" – and she's at it again – "wore off. You just left him hanging until another prize catch came along. And your response when asked if you were dating him?" We were suddenly in my room; I was video-chatting Adam.

"Oh God no" my past self uttered.

"Is the idea of dating him THAT awful? Is Freddie really THAT bad?"

"He's FREDDIE – he's not boyfriend material, he's just Freddie!"

"OH WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?" Great, my subconscious hates me. "Why can't you just recognise what's right in front of you? That you treat Freddie like crap. That you COULD make him happy, you just always CHOOSE not to. And most of all, tell me – what's so bad about him? Why can't you see that he's the best thing that could ever happen to you? Hell, even SAM realised that he'd make a great boyfriend!"

"And now he's gone from my life – another guy that won't stick around" I countered.

"Can you blame him? Think back to what you've seen tonight. You've never given him a single reason to. Yet he's done it anyway. Now he's found happiness elsewhere – real, true happiness. So he's taken that and left you behind."

"So I need to figure out how to break them up." I said slowly, but was interrupted again.

"You really ARE stupid" Alt-Carly said, shaking her head.

"But you just said he's perfect for me."

"Perfect? Maybe, maybe not, but certainly better than you've done with your army of losers and wasters, and I've also just spent all night showing you why he's so much happier with her – happier than ever before – and your first instinct is to wreck it for him. To wreck it for YOUR OWN SELFISH ENDS – for you and for your webshow. To get your little puppy dog back. Yes, he could be perfect for you but if you want him to be as happy with you as he is now, then you've got to be perfect for him too." I was confused. Alt-Carly sighed and continued.

"You've seen them together. Let's recap."

We were in Ridgeway now, back to when I had been "observing" them, trying to gain ammunition for "Operation Break-up". I was looking at them in English class, talking quietly about something, I couldn't tell what.

"You were out of ear-shot so we don't know what they were saying. But with her being new to the class we can maybe assume that he's still helping her get up to speed with what's gone on in class. That's how it likely started after all – remember Franklin calling Freddie to his office? Suddenly there's a new student in some of his classes and he, the straight-A student, is sat with her? Or they could be flirting while Briggs is on the other side of the room of course." I looked around; the teacher was indeed elsewhere, hovering over Sam making sure she was still awake I think. The giggles and smirks from the happy couple certainly implied that they weren't just talking about schoolwork – Freddie holding her left hand in his right seemed to confirm it.

We moved on to lunch, the two of them sat talking, sharing their food, not exactly deep in conversation but talking and laughing – though again I didn't know what they were saying. Freddie pulled out one of his infamous model trains and was showing her it.

"I thought the club kicked him out after Sam's antics." I commented.

"Doesn't mean he lost interest in trains." My guide noted.

Rachel gently took his hand holding the train and lowered it with a smile on her face. Freddie shrugged resignedly but grinned and put the model back in his pocket. The show moved on to the hallway, seeing them happily walking hand-in-hand, smiling at one another, talking, looking happy and just totally at ease in each other's company.

"See?" I was told as the last scene ended and we returned to my room. "SHE makes HIM happy and HE makes HER happy, and it's because they think of each other and do what they do unselfishly for one another – like he always did for you but you never reciprocated. While your driving force continues to be your own selfish ends you'll never be able to make Freddie happy. So if you feel anything for him, ANYTHING at all – as a friend or whatever, try treating him like one and caring about his happiness, not just your own. If he still loves you, truly loves you, and you realise you can love him like that – it will work itself out in the end. If you don't, or if he doesn't anymore, then caring about his happiness means you have to let him go."

She sighed and finished off "Anyway, I gotta go. Your alarm will be going off in a minute."

Like Freddie had before her, she turned and took a couple of steps into the dark recesses of my room and faded into blackness. Then my alarm went off. I groaned. My head was spinning from all that I'd experienced and realised overnight. It was time to face another day.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Anyone else notice that their alarm NEVER wakes them up? That they wake up a minute or so before it's time for it to go off? I'm convinced my subconscious knows it's coming and wakes me up early.<strong>

**Ok, that's the end of the dialogue-intensive bit; hopefully the next couple of chapters will be a little easier to get through.**


	6. A Journey of 1000 Miles

I struggled out of bed and made my way to my make-up table. The sight that greeted me in the mirror was less than appealing, even for an early morning visage. I looked awful and I felt even worse. I ran a brush through my hair in a forlorn effort to look at least presentable, then headed downstairs where Spencer was making breakfast.

"Morning kiddo" he greeted me over his shoulder, before doing a double-take as he registered the way I looked. "Whoa, what's up Carly? Didn't sleep well?"

"I was thinking about Freddie all night. Last night I tried to talk him into coming back to iCarly, you know – after he and Sam had their argument and he quit?"

Spencer nodded.

"Well," I continued, "when I tried to talk to him he complained about how I took Gibby's side over his after Gibby hit on Rachel. I guess I didn't take him into account, but he beat up Gibby pretty bad. Then he asked me why I NEVER took his side. I tried to process what he was saying, but he thought that I couldn't answer, meaning that we WEREN'T actually friends, then he went inside. And the thing is, all night I thought about our relationship and I have to admit he's right: I HAVEN'T been a good friend to him at all – for a LONG time."

Spencer shovelled food onto my plate and I picked at my breakfast.

"So what are you going to do?" he asked me.

"I really don't know – he's so happy with Rachel, and without me. I miss him, and I'm jealous" I admitted.

"Jealous?" Spencer asked, raising his eyebrows at me.

"I know it's crazy when he was never _really_ more than a friend, but suddenly he's not in my life at all, and I hate the thought of that. And what's even worse is realising that his life is actually BETTER without me, Sam or Gibby in it."

"You can't change the past" Spencer said, "what's done is done. If you want Freddie back in your life then you'll need to give him time, and prove that you can be a good friend to him from now on."

"IF he'll give me the chance. I need to hope that he decides to, because Sam or I trying to force him to is what caused most of this to begin with – and I won't make that mistake again."

* * *

><p>Gym class. It was raining so coach McNabbly had us indoors playing Dodgeball. Sam was happy, very few others were. She made one big mistake though, she targeted Rachel and was unpleasantly surprised that she turned out to not only be agile, but also have a strong and accurate throw herself. It took only a couple of throws between the two of them before Sam was eliminated from the game, and most of the girls began to breathe a lot easier. Sadly I fared little better and soon joined a fuming Sam on the benches.<p>

"I'm going to take her down" she said murderously.

"Sam, I mean it." I warned. "DON'T do anything stupid to her."

"What?" she asked. "What happened to you? Don't you WANT Freddie back with us on iCarly and away from that skunkbag?"

What could I tell her? That I'd had some weird dream that explains why Freddie hates her and Gibby, and possibly me, and is far happier without us? No, not really.

"I do want Freddie back as a friend, and on the show, but I'm not wrecking this for him. He's happy with her."

"Who cares about that?" she snapped. Wow, now I know exactly how bad I sounded when I asked him "Who cares?"

"I do" I said firmly. "We are not going to interfere in their relationship."

Sam said nothing.

After class we were changing in the locker room and Sam saw her chance as Rachel was stood alone, almost ready to leave.

"Hey, Little Miss Carrot" she snapped, striding towards her. I groaned and hurried over to them, anxious to diffuse the situation before Sam did anything stupid.

"Oh it's the jealous ex" said Rachel, indifferently "-es" she finished as her eyes flickered to me. "I figured I'd have to contend with you eventually."

"Jealous?" scoffed Sam. "Of you and the dork?"

"Well for someone who's not jealous you put a lot of effort into scheming ways to break us up." Rachel commented. Sam and I exchanged glances. "What? You expected me to think Gibson would dream up that pathetic attempt at seducing me on his own? Please – it has your grubby paw-prints all over it Puckett." Then she turned and began loading her gym kit into her bag.

Sam took a step towards her and pushed her shoulder, causing her to stumble against the bench. Rachel steadied herself, drew herself up to her full height (and being roughly Freddie's height she stood a couple of inches taller than Sam) and looked her square in the eye.

"Back off Blondie. I have better things to do with my day than to start a fight with you, but I WILL finish one if I have to."

By now a crowd was gathering around us, a number of the girls had their phones in their hand, probably filming it. It's likely a few of them, who'd suffered at Sam's hands before, were hoping that Rachel would give her some payback. I just wanted everyone out of here without any unpleasantness.

"Sam, let's just go" I said, tugging at her arm, but she shook me off.

"I'm gonna take you down" she said, looking up into Rachel's face before swinging her right arm towards her.

Rachel easily dodged by stepping and leaning backwards before moving back in, grabbing Sam's right wrist in her right hand, her left forearm in her left and pushing her face-first against the wall of the locker room.

"Hard work isn't the only thing Freddie and I have in common, Samantha" she hissed as Sam struggled and wriggled against her grip. "I've fenced for years. It's made me stronger and faster than you are. You DON'T want to fight me." Then she pushed herself off Sam, who turned to face her, anger blazing in her eyes.

Sam screamed and ran at Rachel who lazily side-stepped, catching Sam's ankle with her heel and causing her to stumble and fall. As Sam rolled onto her back Rachel leant down and put a hand on each shoulder, pinning Sam beneath her. Sam's arms and legs flayed as she tried to strike Rachel with any part of her body that she could. Rachel moved her knees so that they were on top of Sam's thighs, preventing her from moving her legs, then shifted her weight to her left, causing Sam to wince as the pressure on her right shoulder increased. Rachel quickly raised her right hand, further increasing the weight she was putting on Sam's shoulder and delivered a sharp slap to her left cheek, followed by a backhand to the right cheek as she swiftly brought her hand back to re-pin Sam's left shoulder. At this point I feared that Sam could get badly hurt if this continued so I stepped behind Rachel and tried to pull her off Sam.

"Let her go" I said as I grasped her shoulders. Rachel whipped her head backwards, catching me square on the nose. I recoiled instantly and began to feel something running from my nose. A quick touch of the fluid and look at my fingers told me it was blood. Vision blurry, and in quite a bit of pain, I staggered back to the benches and sat down. As I did I heard the sound of flesh striking flesh, followed by a groan from Sam.

We heard the door to the locker room open. Suddenly phones had gone, the crowd had dispersed, neither Rachel nor Sam was on the floor in front of me and girls were beginning to file out of the room and towards their next class.

I heard someone walk up to me. A tissue was pushed into my hand and I heard Rachel's voice.

"Here, hold this, push the end up your nostril and press down, it will stem the blood."

I looked around. Sam had gone, only the two of us were left.

"Thanks" I said gruffly.

"This wasn't your fight, Carly" she said, "You didn't have to get hurt for her."

"She's my friend" I defended.

"Then where is she?" she countered. "She left you alone with me. I'm not going to hurt you, but what if I was? Freddie would never run if he thought I might be in trouble" she said wistfully before adding softly as an aside, "He'd never have abandoned you either."

She shook her head and turned to leave.

"Do you love him?" I called after her. She paused and turned to look at me.

"I want to", she conceded. "I care about him, I really like him… I'm getting there" she finished with a small shrug of her shoulders.

"Look after him" I said. "He's the best thing that could happen to you."

"Wishing you'd realised that a little sooner?" she asked, staring at me, her green eyes boring into mine. When I didn't respond she just sighed and left me alone in the locker room.

"I wish I'd realised 7 years ago" I whispered sadly.

_Buzz_. My phone alerted me to a new tweet – from Sam on the iCarly account. "OMG, Freddie's gf just almost broke Carly's nose."

* * *

><p>I wasn't with Sam for the last period of the day, which was just as well as I was fuming at her tweet. Freddie wasn't in that class either, but I knew I'd have to talk to him about what had transpired after Gym class.<p>

Later that evening I saw him just entering his apartment.

"Hey Carly, how's the nose?" he asked.

"You heard about that?"

"Rachel told me." he said, simply, then added "And I saw the iCarly tweet – Sam's handiwork I presume? And then Rachel found some of the videos on Splashface, though she really didn't need to."

"Why not?" I asked, a little confused.

"She told me what happened and I believe her."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that." Then, seeing my sceptical look, he continued. "Carly, Rachel and I are in a relationship. I trust her. If I don't, then what's the point?"

I was speechless for a few seconds while I processed his words, what his view of a relationship was, and how different it was to the way I'd always thought of things.

"You shouldn't have got involved" he said.

"I had to step in when I did" I argued. "She was hurting Sam." Go on Freddie, say it.

"Then why did you never step in when Sam was hurting ME?" There you are, you said it.

"You're right" was all I could say. "I should have, and I'm sorry. You were right, about everything, I was never a friend to you, yet you were to me for years. All I can do is say that I'm sorry. For all of it. And that if you can ever forgive me I'd like to try again, at friendship at least. And I'll do a lot better this time; I'll do right by you. I know that it will take time for you to want to give me another chance, but I hope you do and, if and when you do, you know where to find me."

I'd said all that I could; the rest was up to him. I wanted to give him time to think, without pressuring him for an instant response (which may have been one I didn't want to get) so I turned to my door and, blinking away tears I entered my apartment, feeling his gaze on my back. The living area was deserted and, after closing the door, I collapsed onto the couch and allowed the tears to flood.


	7. To Have Lost

My anger at Sam, while it hadn't abated, had at least subsided enough by morning that I felt I could talk to her at school. It was Friday, tonight would be the first iCarly of the post-Freddie era. How would it go? With all the problems and events of the last few days we hadn't rehearsed and I had no idea what we were going to be doing in front of the camera – at least that meant Sam and I could talk about that today and avoid the elephant in the room (for now).

I saw her by our lockers and the first question was simple – why? Why had she tweeted what she did? Her answer was equally simple – she was continuing Operation Break-up. She told me that she hoped Freddie would see the tweet, see that his girlfriend had attacked me and end things there and then. I was able to inform her that it hadn't worked. Seeing her face darken as I informed her of this, something struck me.

"Rachel was right – you ARE jealous of them!"

"I'm not jealous!" she insisted. "She's welcome to the dork. Whatever thing it was that we had, it's history. I'm just pissed that he's quit our show and he's upset you by not hanging with us. Well, that and I want my favourite punching bag back. Mama can only hit Gibby so often."

I shook my head at this blasé attitude to her violence towards Freddie. How had I ever thought it was ok? I didn't want to get into this at the moment though, there'd be time to address Sam's attitude when Freddie and I were back on friendly terms, so I turned to more pressing issues.

"Why did you run out on me yesterday after gym?" I asked. "You left me alone with her."

She looked at me, slightly shame-faced. "I had to get out of there Carls" she said. "That girl can take me down and I wasn't sticking around for round 2."

"Even though she'd just given me a nose-bleed?" I asked. "You weren't worried that she might hurt me?"

"What can I say? Self-preservation kicked in."

I frowned, the ramifications becoming clear to me – Sam had, however unconsciously, sent me a message. If it came to a choice between me and her, she chose herself every time. Freddie took a taco truck for me, Sam fled to save her own skin – no apology, no suggestion that she wouldn't do the same thing again. I guess that selfishness made her a kindred spirit for me – not a pleasant thought, but then there haven't been many of them regarding my life and my choices recently. I dropped the issue and turned the discussion to the show tonight. No rehearsals this week so we couldn't do too many sketches, we'd have to improvise a few things. We headed to class, still deep in thought and discussion about the show, planning to meet at the end of the day for a quick brain-storm and rehearsal before the show, so we would at least have an idea what we were doing.

* * *

><p>We reached the end of the day, Sam wasn't at our lockers but I did see Freddie sat on his own near Franklin's office, reading. Despite my pledge to give him time I couldn't resist going over to him to find out what he was thinking.<p>

"Hey" I said softly, taking a seat next to him. "Waiting for someone?"

"Rachel" he said simply, and predictably. "Franklin saw 'the fight' on Splashface so he gave her and Sam detention. We're going over to her place afterwards for a while then out for the evening, so I'm waiting for her then we'll drive over there together."

"Sam never mentioned detention" I said, rather hurt.

"He spoke to Rachel just after lunch" Freddie began, thoughtfully. "You don't have class with Sam on a Friday afternoon do you?"

I nodded. We had taken a couple of different classes which meant I didn't see any of my friends, or ex-friends I thought wincing inwardly, on a Friday afternoon anymore.

Sat there with Freddie, I cast my mind back to the dance we shared at the Groovy Smoothie. Freddie's hands around my waist, mine behind his neck, then my head resting on his shoulder as we danced close. That one, perfect memory of our friendship – unsullied by everything I'd thought about and everything I'd realised in my dreams. Reluctantly I drew myself from my reverie and from the comfortable silence between us, my curiosity getting the better of me and I decided to ask him the question that was on my mind.

"Freddie" I began slowly, losing myself in his eyes as he turned to face me at the sound of my voice, "have you been able to give any thought to what I asked yesterday?"

My look was pleading. He sighed and took both my hands in his own. This probably isn't a good sign.

"I thought a lot about it Carls, there's a problem – a huge, Sam-shaped problem." He sighed again and looked me straight in the eyes. "You two come as a package" he told me. "And I can't have her in my life after all that she's done to me, Gibby too these days. And I'm not her, Carly, I won't tell you to make a choice. So, I'm making it instead – as much as you've meant to me in the past, and as much as I've valued friendship with you – we can't be friends." I felt my heart shattering in my chest at his words. "Not with them being the way they are, what they did to me, them trying to break Rachel and I up. I just can't do it."

Chest aching I stood up.

"I understand" I said softly, trying to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes while he was around. "Goodbye Freddie" and with those two little words I left Ridgeway and headed for home. I had realised that if I wanted Freddie back in my life then I had to change – both my behaviour and my attitude towards him. I was doing that but not only had I to prove to him that I'd changed; there was also the problem of Sam (and Gibby). Now I know he won't accept them the way they are. Could I change them? If not, then despite what he said, I WILL have to choose between him and them.

* * *

><p>iCarly that evening was an utter disaster. We were underprepared, try as he did Brad just wasn't Freddie. I was distracted, Sam was unable to keep anger and frustration from her face and voice, the whole thing was shambolic. And what was worse, we all realised it DURING the show. Around 5 minutes from the end, Sam had had enough – she lost it.<p>

"This show has SUCKED" she declared. "And you all want to know why? Say hello to the people Brad." _She's blaming BRAD?_

"Hello" said Brad, looking worriedly at the camera.

"That's Brad – in for Freddie who QUIT ON US. To spend more time with his _girlfriend_ he just bailed on us. That, iCarly fans, is the reason why your show has sucked tonight – Freddie Benson."

I wasn't letting her do this.

"SAM" I yelled. "You can't blame all this on Freddie. He was pushed, he didn't jump – and he was pushed by YOU." I didn't care whether we were still on-air or not by now. "You told him to make a choice – he made it. You're every bit as responsible as him, if not more so." I glanced over to Brad – he HAD stopped the camera. How much had he recorded? I'd have to find out later – the last thing I wanted was how it would look if he'd killed the show after Sam accused Freddie but before I defended him. I stormed downstairs, Sam chasing after me.

"What's the matter with you Carly?" she shouted as we reached the living area. Brad took this as his cue to leave. "You wanted him on the show – and out of her clutches – every bit as much as I did."

"Yes" I interrupted her "and look where your efforts have got us – look around, he's not here and he doesn't want you in his life anymore!"

"Then me and the nub are both happy about something" she snapped back.

"He won't have ME in his life either because he thinks we come as a package! I want Freddie back in our lives and that means YOU have to make changes – you have to accept his relationship, stop picking on him, or hitting him, bullying him. You need to realise your behaviour towards him has been unacceptable and sort it out."

At this point she TOTALLY lost it.

"Who the HELL are you to lecture me, Carly? Most of my 'unacceptable behaviour' is stuff that YOU told me to do – or at least you backed me up on. YOU wanted them broken up every bit as much as me, I just did what I had to, what you either couldn't do or haven't got the guts to do."

And with that she turned on her heel and stormed out of my apartment. As fate would have it she emerged just as Freddie was walking down the corridor. I walked to the door fearing that this was about to get very ugly, very quickly.

I couldn't see Sam's face, but the look on Freddie's suggested that she was wearing a mask of fury. He leaned back slightly, balling his fists but with a nervous look on his face – not surprising after all his torment at Sam's hands.

"SAM" I yelled, "Don't do anything stupid." Like she was going to listen to me the way she was feeling at the moment.

She just screamed and charged at Freddie. She leapt at him, yelling and cursing. A switch flipped inside me and I raced towards them, grabbed at Sam and tried to haul her off Freddie. Her flailing elbow caught me on the side of the nose (what is it with people wanting to break my nose this week?) but I kept my grip on her just enough to help Freddie push her away from him before I released her and checked on the state of my face. She turned slightly towards me, whether to see how I was or to hurt me I didn't know, though the expression on her face suggested the latter. Suddenly, however, Freddie had wrapped his arms around Sam's midriff from behind, pinning her arms to her side and pushed her against the wall, shifting his arms so that his hands were now pushing on Sam's upper arms, restricting her movement.

"Freddie, you're hurting me" she said.

"How many times have you hurt me over the years and not given a damn?" he snapped back, before pulling back, dragging her away from the wall before shoving her down the corridor. "Get out of here Sam".

She shot him a look of pure venom but headed to the elevator, leaving Freddie and I alone, looking at one another. I decided to break the altogether more nervous and uncomfortable silence.

"Maybe neither of us needs to worry about having Sam around then". He said nothing, possibly still stunned by what had just transpired. Suddenly Rachel's words from yesterday flashed through my mind. _"[Freddie] would never abandon you either"_.

"She really gets you – Rachel I mean. She's known you what, a few weeks, and already understands you, who you are as a person, everything. I've known you for years and never got to know all that, never _bothered_ to" – I was feeling the self-disgust rising up in me – "Thank you Freddie, even after what you said today, you're still always there when I need you." I knew it wasn't the time to talk about whether our "friendship status" had changed in the aftermath of Sam's actions so I just finished "Goodnight Freddie" and turned to enter my apartment.

"Goodnight Carly – and thanks, for helping me out tonight against Sam."

"Much too little, much too late" I said, with a glum look. "But at least my nose isn't bleeding this time." I cracked a small smile that never threatened to reach my eyes. Then I headed inside, contemplating on how my life appeared to be falling apart at the seams.


	8. A Relationship Salvaged

**AN: Thank you all for the reads and, especially, the reviews. SirRay, while some will think Sam would stay no matter what, it's never been tested as she's never been put in a fight she can't win. To me, though, Sam is nothing but a bully at the moment and, in my experience, bullies are cowards. She saw someone who could beat her – so she ran and to hell with anyone else.**

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><p>"<em>You know, everyone at school's saying you're a hero."<em>

"_That's dumb!" he scoffed._

"_You saved my life, that MAKES you a hero."_

"_I don't __feel__ like a hero"_

"_Well you are one – to me." And with that I leaned over his bed, saw the shock and realisation mingle in his eyes as my lips moved inexorably closer to his own. They met, and stayed there for the next half-hour._

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><p>I groaned with frustration as I awoke from my first sweet dream in days. I was slightly groggy but very much relieved that it was Saturday. Again I hadn't slept well throughout the night, the fight with Sam, Freddie coming to the rescue, my growing confusion over exactly what was going on in my life and between what used to be the iCarly trio, after my dreams and wandering thoughts I was also starting to think about what I felt for, and ultimately wanted from, Freddie – so there was just too much happening in my head at the moment. I was glad, at least, that my last dream, replaying that memory of happier times, had been pleasant and it lifted my mood to start the day. As I bounced down the stairs towards the living area I could hear a lot of noise from the kitchen and assumed it was Spencer getting breakfast ready. A surprise was to greet me, however, as I reached the foot of the stairs – Sam was raiding the fridge.<p>

"Sam? What are you doing here? How did you get in? I locked the door last night."

"I know" she said nonchalantly, "I picked it."

"You BROKE into my HOME?" With hindsight why was I surprised?

"I had to – the door was locked. Besides, I figured that without the dork around you'd be ready to apologise by now" she added with a self-confident smirk.

"Me apologise? What for?" I was stunned by her assertion.

She looked at me as if I was crazy.

"For the whole 'I'm Carly, I'm holier than thou' crap you pulled yesterday. What's going on with you towards the nub? Come on Carls, spill it" she said, stood less than a foot from me and glaring at me.

"You BREAK into my home and start making demands? Who the hell are you to do _that_?"

Suddenly I heard the door to Spencer's room and he came clattering out into the living area.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on here?" he asked, clearly bewildered. We both looked momentarily at him, before I turned back to Sam.

"Get out of here Sam, go and calm down. I'll meet you at Galini's at mid-day."

She looked furious but with Spencer here as well she decided against arguing and simply turned on her heel and left our apartment. I sighed and hung my head; my elevated spirits had been crushed already. I felt Spencer's arm around my shoulders.

"What happened?" he asked softly.

I took a deep breath.

"Well…" I began.

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><p>I reached Galini's shortly before mid-day. Sam's usually late for everything but this involved food so she actually beat me there. I joined her at a table and we ordered our favourite, the famous coconut cream pie – I assumed that I'd be paying as usual. I really didn't want an argument, and I feared that one would soon ensue, so I focussed totally on my pie, though I could feel Sam's eyes boring into me, the intensity of her gaze increasing the more I ignored her, until…<p>

"Ok Shay, out with it. What's going on that's made you do a total one-eighty these last couple of days?"

"Fine" I sighed. It was time to tell her what had been going on – though without going into dreams and stuff. "When we were watching them together, trying to break them up, I started to wonder why he was happier without us, we're all supposed to be best friends right?"

"You're damn right" she interrupted. "We're _supposed_ to be BEST FRIENDS Carly, you and me. I did what you asked, what you wanted – and needed – me to do, trying to split them up, then you take THEIR side, over mine?" She shook her head.

"Because… because I've done a lot of thinking. Why did you treat him so bad?" Sam looked perplexed at that. "When you were together, before, after – always. You've always treated him like crap Sam and that's the big problem – _that's_ why he's happier and doesn't want us around anymore. You – and Gibby – because of what you did, me more for what I didn't do."

"What didn't you do?" Sam asked, confused. "Apart from never respond to his pathetic little crush."

"Stop you." I said simply. "I let you treat him like a punching bag, usually by turning a blind eye but sometimes actually encouraging you as well. I won't do that now Sam. I'm going to do everything I can to get my Freddie back as my friend and if I do, it will be because I've shown him things will be different in the future – and a lot of that is about you and your attitude towards him." I sighed before continuing with the other issue on my mind where Sam's behaviour was concerned. "But there's more to all this, isn't there? Why Rachel? Why do you hate her?"

Sam shrugged.

"Why hate her immediately? Because she's with Freddie and she took him away from the show. Now? The girl can take me down and won't hesitate to do it; I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me – and yesterday in detention?" I nodded at her prompt. "All through it I was waiting to have it out with her – talking I mean. I glared at her for the whole damn hour, she blanked me totally. Just stuck her nose in a damn book, did homework, ignored me totally for the hour then walked out, still not looking at me, and straight into _his_ arms. She makes me sick."

"You and Freddie were together – now he's with her. It's ok for that to hurt."

"It doesn't _hurt_ like that" she insisted. "Last night, when I said I don't have feelings for him – I meant it, but it still makes me pissed that he's moved on from me – and moved on to _her_."

I was at a loss for what to say. Despite her words, her tone suggested that there may still be something there, some lingering feelings; it would certainly make more sense than her arguments. I was trying to talk things out with Sam, reach some happy point where we could get Freddie back as a friend, but there seemed little chance of it the way she might feel about him, and about him and Rachel.

"If I can get him back as a friend to us, you can't go on the way you did before around him" I said, trying to lay down the law to her.

"And what if I can't, or won't, do things differently – especially with _her_ around" she challenged.

"Then you've got two problems, because after this week I think they could _both_ take you if you started something" Sam's face fell at this, perhaps realising just what Freddie did, and could have done, when he saw me look at Sam in fear, "and I'll have a lot of thinking to do." I finished. It was true that Freddie had already tried to make the choice for me, but right here and right now if I had to choose which one to keep in my life, I couldn't say for certain which of them I'd pick.

"You'd seriously pick them over me?" She was aghast.

"I don't want to choose anyone – I want us all to get along" I told her. "But that won't happen with things as they were."

"I can't make you any promises Carly" she conceded.

"You're not even going to try?"

Sam turned her attention back to her plate.

* * *

><p>After leaving Galini's we headed to the Crown Ridge Mall. Sam was obviously trying to avoid going home (likely having problems with her mom again). I didn't want her to come back to the apartment with me – I was still upset about her break-in this morning and obviously I was also concerned that we may run into Freddie and Rachel again. If I was to rebuild my friendship with him I had to keep him and Sam apart for a while and work on them both alone – in Sam's case I needed to get her to change her ways towards him and his girlfriend (which should be possible if she can no longer physically intimidate him). In Freddie's I needed to work hard to show that I was worthy of being his friend and that I was prepared to do things differently, and right, in the future. We spent a pleasant couple of hours in Build-a-bra, Glittergloss and a handful of other stores (I deliberately avoided the Pear Store, we had no reason to go in and there was always the risk that Freddie was there and that the confrontation I was seeking to avoid may end up taking place). Our final stopping point was, predictably, the Food Court: Sam was hungry again – and broke again, so it was with a much lighter purse that I returned to Bushwell Plaza (Sam was reluctantly heading home) after an afternoon where I had smoothed over my own problems with Sam, but resolution between us and Freddie still seemed as distant as ever: she was still in no mood to accept that Freddie's return would mean two things – better behaviour from her and more of Rachel being around.<p>

As luck would have it I reached the lobby just as Freddie was waiting for the elevator. He had his fencing equipment bag by his side so I figured the two of them had been at the studio.

"Hey" I said quietly as I approached him. He turned at the sound of my voice and gave me a small smile.

"Hi Carly."

"So who won?" I asked, motioning to his bag.

"We were just sparring really" he shrugged. "I probably landed more touches, but not by many – she's really good." The smile was really lighting up his face as he talked about her. I was finding myself drawn more and more to his eyes and had to make a conscious effort not to stare at him.

The elevator arrived, he gathered up his bag and we travelled up in silence. While his tone had been civil enough and he'd answered my questions it was obvious that he was standing by his decision to end our friendship (for the moment at least). As we walked towards our respective homes I turned my thoughts to ways in which I could begin to make things up to him, to get him back in my life (he couldn't truly _leave_ it while we live across the hallway from one another, but it still pained me that he was so distant and withdrawn towards me). We said a cordial good-bye to one another as we parted company in the doorways of our apartments. Spencer wasn't home so I flopped on the couch, closed my eyes and began to think about what I could do to persuade Freddie to change his mind.


	9. iHave a Freddiepiphany

**AN: As ever, thanks are due to all who've read and, especially, reviewed. Was the other bully stronger than Sam, SirRay? She pushed Sam around when she wasn't fighting back - once she did there was only ever going to be one winner, so I'm not sure you can call that her being in a fight she can't win.**

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><p>"<em>Hey Freddie, want to hang this afternoon? Rachel's welcome too (don't worry, Sam won't be here), let me know. x"<em>

It was Sunday morning. Sam was having to spend the day with her mom and I felt alone. Spencer was distant and distracted, some sculpture occupying his time and energies, so, despite what he'd said earlier – and the way he'd seemed last night – I decided to text Freddie and offer the olive branch to him and his girlfriend, to try and get his friendship back so I could then devote my energies to the seemingly impossible task of repairing things between him and Sam.

While I waited for his reply I sat at the computer looking over the iCarly website. The recent shows had been extremely badly received. I knew that a large part of that was on me, I just didn't have my usual enthusiasm when I was looking at the camera and seeing someone other than Freddie holding it but there were other reasons too, specifically that Sam seemed permanently angry, which was affecting her performances. A lot of the comments from the fans, however, centred on Sam's recent verbal attack on Freddie. Opinion was split between different factions of the fan base, some blaming Freddie for quitting, others wanting details, some dismissing it as "you lost your cameraman, so what?" Those _really_ made my blood boil, implying that Freddie was so easily replaceable. I had to stop myself firing off a reply to that constituency without giving myself a chance to compose a rational, coherent response – otherwise I could just make things even worse.

Having read through the comments I needed to calm down so I moved over to the couch and turned the television on. After a little channel-hopping I settled on the _Girly Cow_ marathon that one of the cartoon stations was showing. As a mindless distraction it worked, though my eyes did wander to my phone every few seconds – Freddie still hadn't replied.

After what seemed an eternity my phone finally buzzed.

"_Hey Carly – been fencing with R this morning. Going to do homework but we could see you around 3?"_

My heart leapt at the response – he hadn't just blown me off, maybe there was still some hope of fixing things between us all. I shot back:

"_Sounds good, my place at 3."_

I figured homework and study was as productive a way as any to pass the time between now and their arrival so I made myself a sandwich, headed to my room and got a couple of hours of study done. When my homework was just about up to date, and with Freddie and his girlfriend due to arrive in about half an hour, I made up some of my "famous" Special Lemonade ahead of their arrival.

At 3 p.m. sharp there was a knock on the door. It opened slowly and Freddie ducked his head around it.

"Hey, are we ok to come in?" he asked quietly. A smile leapt onto my face at the sight of him.

"Sure, come in" I enthused, my only regret being that he'd used "we" and not "I". Sure enough, Rachel followed him in, hand-in-hand. I felt an odd stirring in my stomach that I couldn't explain.

The couple made their way to the couch and settled down, Freddie's arm draped over Rachel's shoulders, hers wrapped around his waist, their other hands joined in her lap. I headed to the kitchen, poured three glasses of lemonade, carried them over to the table, set them down and sat in one of the armchairs. Freddie took a small, polite sip of his drink while Rachel, with less experience of my concoction, took a larger draught. She was only partially successful in hiding her grimace. I smiled at her reaction.

"It's ok, it's not to everyone's taste" I told her.

"Have you found ANYONE else who likes it as much as you?" Freddie jibed, causing me to pout and the pair to laugh.

The three of us spent the next hour talking about trivial things such as school, discussing homework, comparing a few answers (I tried to surreptitiously make minor modifications to my work as a result of the conversations) before suddenly, the door to my apartment burst open.

"Gibbeh" announced Gibby's arrival. Both Freddie and Rachel leapt to their feet at the unwelcome guest's entrance.

"Get out" I snapped at him before anyone else could say anything. There was a general air of surprise at this turn of events, both Freddie and Rachel turned to me with surprised but thankful smiles, Gibby with angry astonishment. I continued, "If you're not here to apologise to them then leave."

"Me apologise?" he asked, agog. "_He's_ the one who broke my nose and gave me two black eyes, and _she's_ the one who elbowed me into the lockers."

"_You're_ the one who tried to steal ANOTHER girl from Freddie, after you threatened him over what was a misunderstanding!" I glanced at Freddie who was now smiling broadly at me, a look that could be akin to gratitude in his eyes, Rachel's head resting on his shoulder. She too wore a contented look, their hands interlinked. I turned back to Gibby and concluded by saying, "now apologise or go" and, with my anger at him, far from abating actually continuing to grow I finished "or preferably both."

"But Sam made me do it" he whined.

The three of us simply glared at him.

"Fine" he snapped. "I'm sorry."

"Freddie?" I asked sweetly. "Anything you want to say?" With Gibby reluctantly apologising I hoped Freddie would give a little ground, after all I wanted everything ok between all of the "iCarlies".

He took a steadying breath, his fingers still intertwined with Rachel's, took a step towards Gibby and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Like Carly said, you were ready to fight me - and threatening to hurt me badly - over a misunderstanding, and then you did the same thing you accused me of not once, but twice. No apology, no remorse, no recognition that you did _anything_ wrong: the ONLY thing you're sorry about is getting a beating. Stay away from me – and my girlfriend – in future or you'll come off far, far worse than you did last time."

Rachel let go of his hand, wrapped her arm round his shoulder and guided him as the pair returned to the couch. Gibby looked at me and I held his gaze for a second before saying,

"I think you should go" quietly but firmly. Freddie's reaction was unfortunate but not exactly unexpected – it would clearly take longer than just a couple of days to get everything fixed. He acquiesced and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

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><p>I feared that Gibby's arrival, the confrontation and his departure could derail the afternoon and the beginning of reconciliation that I had planned for the day. Instead Rachel's first words as I returned to my chair were to thank me for my reaction. I was just grateful that they hadn't decided that the afternoon was ruined and opted to leave on the spot. I didn't want to risk that happening but wanted to at least sow a seed in Freddie's mind so I smiled acknowledgement at Rachel before asking Freddie, as conversationally as I could<p>

"Do you think the two of you will ever be friends again?"

He sighed, looked from Rachel to me and responded

"I don't know. His hypocrisy was pretty breath-taking. Blaming Sam for him going after Rachel – well, I can believe that but it doesn't excuse away his part in it, not at all. Right here, right now? It's difficult to ever imagine me wanting to be in the same room as him again."

I nodded. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I couldn't honestly claim to be shocked by his answer – either regarding Gibby or Sam. Rachel changed the subject, and caught me completely off guard, by asking

"So how's iCarly going? I used to love your show until…" she trailed off but "finished" the sentence by moving even closer to Freddie and resting her head on his shoulder.

I was momentarily distracted from her question by the sight, by another lurch in my stomach as I watched them, realisation hitting me forcefully that their relationship actually bothered me, for reasons I still wasn't fully understanding. Watching them, seeing her snuggle close to him, smile at him, seeing him with his adoring gaze fixed on her, his only having eyes for her: the way he used to look at me. The way – I realised with insight as sudden as a light-switch flicking on inside my head – I _missed_ him looking at me. I _missed_ him being unconditionally in love with me, being there for me, doing anything for me. I had taken it (and him) for granted, and abused it, for so long and now it was gone. Suddenly, I realised, I wanted _that_ back more than anything in the world. And not just that, there was something else, I just wasn't quite able, or perhaps willing, to recognise what it was.

I realised all eyes were on me, that I hadn't answered her question yet and she was waiting rather expectantly.

"It's ok" I mumbled to my knees. "Fans have complained about the quality recently, they don't feel it's been as good since… you know." I looked up and met Freddie's eyes. "I don't say that to blame you or to guilt you or anything – it's just the way it is. And it's not surprising – remember Valerie?"

Rachel looked lost so Freddie supplied

"She was my first girlfriend, but it turned out she was just using me to wreck the show."

"And it worked" I emphasised. "Without Freddie, with a different tech guy, the show just wasn't the same. Even if Jeremy hadn't been so germy, it's just not iCarly without you" I concluded sadly.

"I can't come back" he said, gently but firmly. "Not with Sam the way she is."

"I know" I surrendered sadly. "I'm working on it."

He gave me a small smile; whether it was in reassurance or pity I didn't know and didn't want to find out.

I felt that this was more than enough iCarly talk for the afternoon, so I tried to think of a new topic. I was starting to feel hungry so I figured food would be safe enough.

"You guys want a pizza?" I offered. "I can throw one in the oven if you like."

They both agreed and the conversation began to flow as I talked through the choices in the freezer. Unfortunately the topic of food took them onto a discussion of a couple of the restaurants they'd frequented recently, ones I had never visited. Freddie was trying to keep me in the conversation (usually by asking if the restaurant in question was one I'd been to) then they'd wax lyrical about some of the amazing meals they'd had there. They mentioned going to for an Italian meal, but not to Pini's, I'm guessing Freddie didn't want to take her there after what happened the last time he took a girl to that place. I kept those thoughts to myself, however, not least because dragging Sam's name back into the conversation would probably not be a great idea.

Before long the pizza was ready. We ate, chatted a little more, watched some TV (Rachel and I ganging up on Freddie and voting for _Girly Cow_ over the _Galaxy Wars_ movie he wanted to watch for the millionth time). Suddenly Rachel gave a sharp yelp.

"It's already 8. I've got to get home."

"Ok" said Freddie as they stood up, "I'll grab my keys from next door and we'll go now." He turned to me and smiled warmly, a sight that lifted my heart. "Thanks for doing this Carly; it was nice hanging with you again." Then the two departed, still hand-in-hand, eyes adoringly locked on one another, the gaze I missed so much, now reserved only for her, me left all alone in the doorway.

It's so unfair. I want that look back. Why couldn't I have fallen in love with Freddie before he met her? Maybe a month earlier? Or a year ago? Wait a second – fallen in love? With Freddie? Whoa, where did that come from? That was the thing missing: I didn't just want his adoring gaze or his always being there for me, I wanted _him_. I closed the door behind them and took up my now regular position, slumped on the couch, my head in my hands.

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><p><strong>AN: Some of you will have liked that, some will have hated the ending. Just remember we're still a long way from endgame at the moment.<strong>


	10. iSuffer In Silence

**Hello , gentle readers. As always your readership and reviews are greatly appreciated. Please enjoy the latest chapter of my story.**

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><p><em>I was stood in the middle of my room, near the foot of my bed as Freddie walked through the doorway. Instead of any nervousness I felt safe and protected, particularly when I saw the look of love in his eyes and on his face. He walked straight up to me and covered my lips with his own. I threw my arms around his back; I never wanted to let him go. His hands found their way under my shirt and I tightened my grip on him as they did, feeling them move inexorably up my body, exploring and caressing every inch of flesh they could find…<em>

My eyes shot open. Almost a week has gone by since I realised that I was in love with Freddie and I had dreamt about him – and him-and-me – every night since (and, if I'm being honest, a couple of times before I had that realisation) but this was the first dream I'd had that didn't replay things that had happened to us, things I wished I could change – like responding to one of his many declarations of love with one of my own, saying yes when he had asked me to be his girlfriend, or when I kissed his cheek in the elevator just after we broke up: instead I should have claimed his lips and told him that I wouldn't let him go. No, this was the first dream about what could happen, what hadn't (yet) happened, rather than what DID happen.

Seeing him at school had become a daily torture for me: every morning he showed up hand-in-hand with Rachel. They laughed and kissed by their lockers, they sat together in classes, they still shared their lunches and they looked goo-goo eyes at one another every chance they got. It made me nauseous – ok, _and_ jealous. Outside of school, Sunday's hang session with him and Rachel had been the only time we'd spent together recently. I can't and won't kick Sam to the kerb so, true to his word, Freddie wasn't spending any time around me. He and Rachel seemed to spend most evenings either at her place or out and about somewhere: I didn't know, hadn't asked and didn't intend to, I just knew they weren't at Bushwell Plaza (as I would usually hear Freddie arrive home late in the evening).

I couldn't confide in Sam about my Freddie feelings (despite my "no more secrets" mantra) for a few reasons – primarily that, despite her vehement denials, I didn't fully believe that she was over him: tell Sam that I love Freddie and a tricky situation could suddenly become phenomenally messy. There was also the fact that things were still non-existent between them, something I still needed to fix, by changing Sam's approach towards him and, for now, Rachel.

As for the man himself, well of course I couldn't walk up to him at school and say anything: Rachel would be there and would kick my ass if I did – and if I was honest I couldn't really blame her for doing so. If I ever saw him alone… well, that would be a whole different thing to think about. On the one hand, I'd be telling Freddie that the girl of his dreams FINALLY wanted him and returned his long held feelings. On the other: he already has a girlfriend and is happy with her, there's the on-going and aforementioned Freddie/Sam issues to resolve and, I realised with rapidly mounting fear and dread, there was the possibility that he would choose her over me, that he finally and truly gave up on me, moved on from me, that he's actually _found love_ with her and stopped loving me. The irony of potentially having a total role reversal in the one-sided love that has existed for almost our entire relationship (and how fondly I now look back on the time immediately after he saved my life and he was briefly my boyfriend) was not lost on me – I desperately hope that it's not true, that Freddie still loves me deep down, that one day I can still make him mine again. So if I cut through all the crap then there it is – I suffer in silence because of fear: a little fear of Sam and her reaction, some genuine fear of Rachel finding out but mostly fear that Freddie may reject me. I guess I never appreciated just how brave he was, putting his heart out to me time and time again, until now – and never realised just how far I am from measuring up to him.

As Sam had been a permanent fixture at our apartment this week I had been unable to confide in Spencer either. He had detected that I was distracted, and that all was not well, but I made up some excuses and occasionally I blamed it on Freddie's absence (not on Freddie himself though), which was both partly true (alleviating my own guilt at lying to Spencer) and guilted Sam just a little bit – hopefully I can use this guilt to push her into promising to treat Freddie like a human being from now on (and to at least tolerate Rachel being around – for now). I'm carrying on working on her but have yet to brow-beat her into it. Of course, if I DID get with Freddie, that would be the game-changer. If Sam still tried anything against _my boyfriend_, then SHE'D be gone…

As it was I was glad of Sam's company and not Freddie's for now, being around him and feeling like I did was unbearable – how did he survive all these years of carrying a torch for me while I rejected him and dated any other boy but him? And the biggest question of all, my subconscious was right all along – why had I been so stupid for so long?

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><p>But finally it was Friday; the weekend was almost here (just a few more hours of school to survive) before iCarly. I needed to talk to Sam about the problems we were having with the show and I got my chance over lunch. I began by talking about some of the comments I'd read and the divisions that were there between some of our fans. Would anyone be surprised to learn that she really didn't care? In fact she suggested we make a few comments to stir the pot and exacerbate the situation. I shot this idea down at once, telling her that I would NOT under ANY circumstances open the door to people blaming Freddie for any more than some of them already do. Finally I voiced one of my darker and more reluctant thoughts.<p>

"Maybe we should just stop the show altogether – at least for now." Sam looked astonished. "iCarly's crashing and burning without Freddie."

Sam's eyes suddenly widened at this revelation.

"The skunkbag was right!" she declared.

"Huh?"

"_Valerie_" she spat out.

"Freddie's ex-girlfriend? From _four years ago_?" I asked, surprised at her name being resurrected.

"When she tried to poach me" Sam elaborated. "She told me iCarly would crash and burn without Freddie. I guess she's been proved right."

"Well" I said phlegmatically, "even a stopped clock is right twice a day."

Sam looked balefully at me.

"Ok Carls, _that's_ a dorkism" she complained.

"See Sam, that's what I've been talking about!" I snapped, waving my right index finger in her face. "To get Freddie back, you need to promise: No more bullying him, no more picking on him, no more insulting him and definitely – " my index finger was right in front of her eyes and I waved it ever closer to her while I shot out – "NO. MORE. HITTING. HIM. You should never have done it and _I_ should never have allowed it. And I won't anymore" I finished.

Sam hung her head for a few seconds. She raised her head and her eyes met mine then her shoulders sagged slightly.

"I'll try" she said finally. "I can't promise no insults – teasing the nub is my third favourite hobby after all, behind eating and sleeping, but I'll go easier on him. _She_ is not part of the deal though."

The way she spat out _she_, not even able to bring herself to say Rachel's name, suggested that it was still going to be a long, uphill battle to bring Freddie back into the fold, and onto iCarly. We agreed that I'd be the one to approach Freddie and see how he reacted to news of Sam's partial change of heart.

The end of the school day, and week, came around. I met Sam by our lockers and we caught up with Brad to let him know what we decided regarding the future of the show. He was disappointed but accepted (and agreed) with what we said – that Freddie was vital to the show. We would announce the indefinite hiatus tonight at the end of the show – and I was hoping against hope that it would turn out to be a short-lived one. Obviously, though, I was still fearing the worst. All depended on how Freddie would react to Sam's promise to mellow – and whether it was a promise she could show that she could keep.

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><p>The show went fairly well, it was an emotional one for both of us (Gibby was still angry after last week, he was refusing to speak to me at all and stayed away from the show this week: he wasn't missed) and we made the announcement at the end. I decided to set the page not to accept comments (we hadn't mentioned Freddie's absence as the reason for the hiatus but I knew a lot of our fans would be smart enough to join the dots and I wanted to avoid negative comments that may further antagonise him). We decided after the show to head for a smoothie so Brad, Sam and I made our way to our usual haunt. Discussion of Freddie was off the agenda (there were no problems between him and Brad and I really didn't want to drag Brad into our issues) so mindless small-talk and a little school discussion were the order of the day, along with fielding a handful of questions from fellow customers about the future of the show, we were clearly not the only people to go for a smoothie right after iCarly.<p>

* * *

><p>Returning with Sam to the 8th floor afterwards, we headed towards my apartment. I barely had time to register the tell-tale flash of ginger hair outside Freddie's place, along with the barest glimpse of him, before hearing Sam growl at the sight of them. Instinctively I grabbed her arm.<p>

"Let go of me" she hissed, turning at me with an unusual glower on her face before breaking glowered at Rachel who looked back at her, not in the least intimidated. She stepped in front of Freddie, who tried to edge around her to see what was happening.

"Stay back, babe, I got this" she whispered before turning to Sam.

"Sam" I said, "back off – leave them alone."

She heeded my advice, took a step back and a deep breath before she headed for the elevator, casting one last, filthy look in our direction. Rachel nodded slightly towards me, her expression unreadable before she took Freddie's hand again. He wished me goodnight, I did likewise to them and the pair headed into his apartment as I unlocked and entered mine. Once again I collapsed onto the couch with my head in my hands as I reflected on the day I'd had.

Hours later, in bed, I suddenly realised what I had seen and the full horror and magnitude of it hit me. Seeing Freddie and Rachel out there together, that late at night. I knew his mother was working the night shift tonight and I had heard them say that they were going to be at her place earlier. Adding it all together and my chances of getting Freddie back, and of my hopes and dreams coming true, appeared to have just diminished dramatically.


	11. iHave To Tell You

**AN: Hello again to all readers. To my loyal reviewers, thank you - your feedback is always appreciated. I hope you enjoy the latest chapter of this story.**

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><p>"I have to tell him, I have to tell him, I have to tell him." Those five words had been racing through my head like a mantra all night. Once again sleep hadn't come easy, the thought that Freddie and Rachel were across the hallway… "together together" was too much to take – the man I loved was with someone else; I was in real danger of losing him forever. I thought back to the ill-fated school lock-in and my advice to Sam. <em>Go for it. Make a move.<em> It was time to heed my own advice and do and say whatever I had to in order to win back Freddie's heart.

I could still remember what my dream self had told me when suggesting that Freddie and I could be together – that if I was a true friend I would be happy to see him happy. Was I prepared to do that? _Could_ I stand to see him happy with someone else? The answer was clearly a no at the moment. I had finally realised I loved him and wanted him; I wasn't going to let him go without something of a fight. If I lost… well that's a bridge I hope never to have to cross.

I sat at my make-up table and made myself look presentable before slipping on jeans and one of my tight, frilly shirts – I wanted to make a little bit of an effort for the next time I saw Freddie – and trudged down for breakfast. Spencer had yet to surface so the apartment was quiet while I picked at my cereal, still lost in thought over Freddie and not feeling particularly hungry. I finished my meal, grabbed a magazine and laid on the couch, passing time, not really taking in anything that I was reading. The sound of a door opening outside the apartment suddenly snapped me back to reality – and full alertness.

I shot to the peephole and watched as Rachel and Freddie exited the Bensons' home. They shared a kiss before she made her way down the hallway, Freddie staring after her. As he turned to re-enter his apartment I quickly opened our own door.

"Freddie" I called softly to catch his attention. He turned his head towards me.

"Good morning Carly" he said civilly, a blank expression on his face. He certainly didn't seem surprised that I was ambushing him the second his girlfriend left. I decided to begin without preamble.

"So, you and Rachel – together… like that?" I asked him.

"Not really your business, Carly – we hung out last weekend but I meant it that we're not friends at the moment." My face fell at this harsh statement. His look mellowed slightly and it was in a slightly softer tone that he continued "Look, we've still got a long way to go Carly and the whole 'no more secrets' thing is not applicable to Rachel and me at the moment."

I nodded meekly.

"I know" I said, "it's just a surprise really – that she'd be staying over I mean. Wouldn't your mom freak if she found Rachel here?"

"It depends on where she found her" he said evasively, a smirk present on his otherwise unreadable face. Now wasn't exactly the right time to declare undying love so I tried the friendship angle instead.

"I spoke to Sam" I began. He looked towards me, his interest slightly piqued by what I may have to say. "She's going to lay off you in future." I hesitated; total honesty had to be a part of the deal. "Well, physically at least. She said she couldn't promise never to insult you again."

Freddie rolled his eyes at this and then looked at me with a slightly confused expression on his face.

"She didn't look like she was in any mood to treat me better when she was here last night."

I grinned slightly – maybe not the best thing to do but since when have I ever made good choices around him?

"That's because Rachel was here – I'm sorry but I couldn't get Sam to make her part of the deal."

"That's ok" he said, to my surprise. "Rachel hates her too and doesn't want to spend any longer than she absolutely has to in the same room as Sam either."

My grin turned into a slightly nervous laugh. Freddie chuckled along. I composed myself and smiled at him.

"So do you want to hang with Sam and me sometime then?"

"All in good time" he said, dropping his smile and replacing it with a serious expression. "My time with Rachel has shown me what a relationship SHOULD be like – and it's taught me just how different it was with Sam… and with you." I hung my head at this last comment. How could I respond to that?

"I know" I began. "All I can say is that I'm sorry Freddie. I know I've already said it, but I am sorry for what happened before."

"Why?" His question confused me.

"Why am I sorry?"

"No" he explained, "why did you treat me worse – and rank me lower – than anyone else on the planet?"

I closed my eyes and hung my head again.

"I honestly don't know" I told my shoes. "It just crept up really – it started with you two bickering, then she was teasing you, it just progressed and she crossed the line so slowly that I never realised she'd done so. For some reason I could see it with other people, just not with you."

"What about you?" he persisted, causing me to snap my head up and look straight at him. "What made it ok for you to throw missiles at me for eyeing up Tori, or act all affronted when I took a shine to Shelby: even while you were rejecting me – again – you seemed annoyed that I was looking at another girl."

"I liked you loving me" I admitted. "It was a nice thing in my life, something that I abused I admit, something I took for granted. Other girls threatened that."

"You didn't want me but didn't want me looking elsewhere?" he asked. _Wow, put that way and I really sucked as his friend._

"That about sums it up" I conceded. "Again, all I can do is say I was wrong, and say that I'm sorry. Another thing you need to be able to forgive me for if we're ever to be truly friends again."

He gave me a warm smile but didn't contradict me. I figured that the time still wasn't right for deep and meaningful conversations about how I felt so I switched subjects.

"So, what are you doing today? You want to hang for a bit this morning – it's just me at home?"

"I have homework to do. We'll be fencing again tomorrow so I'm going to try and get most of it done today if I can – and do the rest with Rachel after tomorrow's session." _I'm not sure I want to know what kind of 'session' you're talking about Freddie._

"Need a study buddy?" I asked with a shy smile. He returned it.

"Sure" he said. "Let me just grab my bag" and slipped inside his home while I held the door open waiting for him.

Because Freddie and I shared several classes this year there was quite a lot of work that we could do together – English, Maths, History. I would need to cajole Sam into doing some work with me on our Science project (Freddie was, unsurprisingly, partnering Rachel and no doubt the conscientious duo had already finished their project and write-up). We spent the morning hard at work, despite interruptions from Mrs Benson (home from work and wondering where 'her Freddiekins' was) and Spencer surfacing mid-morning with his usual madcap antics: somehow he set his bowl of cereal on fire. I've given up asking why or how when it comes to him. He finally managed to eat his breakfast before retreating to his bedroom to continue sculpting and leaving Freddie and I to our studies.

"I think we've earned a smoothie" I declared at midday. Freddie agreed and we headed to the Groovy Smoothie, though not before Spencer's yell demanded that I bring him back a B-Blitz.

Freddie decided that he wanted to eat while there, which made me realise that I was feeling hungry too so we ordered a couple of burgers and portions of fries (as usual deciding to forego whatever T-Bo was wielding on a stick: today it was grapefruit). We talked and laughed together while we ate – I was surprised at how easily the morning had passed in his company while I was trying to suppress my feelings until I could bring up the topic naturally. Maybe this was what Freddie had done all these years, suck it up and just enjoy being around the one you love – even if it's completely one-sided: something I needed to find out for sure.

Something about my face and body language must have betrayed my thoughts as Freddie suddenly asked me, concern evident in his voice,

"Are you ok Carly?"

I nodded. We'd both finished our meals so I suggested we head back home so I could talk to him in a more private surrounding. He agreed and we made our way back to Bushwell Plaza's 8th floor. When we reached our respective doors he unlocked and opened his. I realised that the time had come so I gathered up the courage to ask the question I both feared the most and, at the same time, needed an answer to.

"Do you love her?" It was my last, desperate hope that I wasn't too late, that I still had a chance with him. He looked at me in surprise; clearly the abrupt change of topic had thrown him slightly.

"I think I'm falling in love with her" he admitted slowly. "I don't know that I'm there yet, but…" he shrugged a little, "I care a lot about her and I'm happy when I'm with her."

I decided at this point to try and stir up some anger and emotion in Freddie and see if I could rile him into admitting any feelings he had for me.

"So do you feel like you did when you said you loved me?" I fired at him. "Did you ever _really _love me or was it always just a schoolboy crush?"

"What?" he asked, completely bewildered by my question.

"Well, you know, you've never kissed me" I accused. _Yeah Carls, keep stirring that pot._

"WHAT?" Freddie asked, a look of growing incredulity forming on his face.

"When we were an item, I always kissed you, you never kissed me: On your bed, I kissed you…"

"I was lying there with a broken arm and leg" he interrupted.

"At school then, I kissed you…"

"You wanted to get rid of Wendy when she was inviting me to a party – and then you were headed to class."

"In the studio…"

"I'd decided that we needed to wait. Sam had convinced me that your feelings weren't real. And they weren't. If I'd had ANY hint from you, once my casts came off, that your feelings were genuine then believe me, you'd have had to fight me off to STOP me from kissing you, like when we used to hug as kids?" Our eyes met and we shared a broad smile at the memories. "But she was right" he concluded, his smile faltering. "You never really felt that way about me."

_Sam had convinced him? _Never mind that for now, this is it Shay, it's now or never.

"I do now" I said, gazing directly into his soft, brown eyes, trying to communicate my sincerity with my eyes as well as my words.

Freddie's jaw visibly dropped – he looked absolutely stunned at my confession.

"WHAT?" he finally offered.

"I love you Freddie" I said earnestly.

"You... you..." He took a breath and started again. "You know that I'm with Rachel" he reminded me.

"I know, but I had to tell you."

"I can't… I just…" he floundered. "I'm with Rachel, Carly" he repeated and walked through his open door and into to his own apartment, leaving me stood watching. Well, that didn't go as well as I had hoped.

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><p><strong>AN2: Anyone who's now thinking "wow, Rachel's going to be upset when she hears about this" is probably right.<strong>


	12. iWill Fight For His Love

**AN: Hello and thank you to all readers and reviewers. I hope you continue to enjoy this story.**

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><p>"Fredward Benson, get your butt back here right now!" I shouted as his back retreated down the hallway, towards the elevator: I'd heard him leaving his apartment and wasn't above chasing him down the hallway if it came to it.<p>

"_I thought you wanted me to be your girlfriend since the moment you met me" I had said, confused and hurt by his lack of enthusiasm about kissing me._

"_I do, I just think we should wait a while, at least until I'm out of this cast and this whole 'hero-worship' thing wears off. And then, if you still want to be my girlfriend, I'd be really psyched about it" he'd explained._

_I watched sadly as he limped to the elevator on his crutches – and out of our relationship._

He turned to me with an exasperated expression on his face, his fencing equipment bag slung over his shoulder.

"What do you want Carly?" he asked. _As if you don't know what I want to talk about!_

I gathered up all my courage and walked towards him, a determined expression fixed on my face – this was probably my one and only chance.

"I let you walk away once before, I'm not going to make that mistake again. I don't care about the timing, the circumstances, about _any_ of it – I love you Freddie." To emphasise it I leaned in towards him, attempting to find his lips.

"What are you doing Carly?" He retreated sharply and took a couple of steps away from me. "You _know_ I'm with Rachel, that I'm happy with her, why tell me now? And try to kiss me?"

"Are you happier than you were when WE dated?" I challenged.

"Don't do this Carly" he sighed.

"Do what?"

"Ask questions that you don't want an answer to."

"Just answer me, please?" I really needed to know.

I watched as his expression changed, he looked down, wistful. Then he took a deep breath.

"We've been through this: With you it was never real Carly" he began, looking at me. "It was gratitude, or hero worship, or… whatever. And that's coloured the memory for me – because it wasn't _YOU_, it was…" he spread his arms wide, palms of hands facing upwards as he looked for the right words. "I'd never say you _lied_ because I know you didn't, but it wasn't truly you, Carls – the real you didn't give me a chance." He sighed again, looking reflective. "You probably _could_ have made me even happier than she does, but that's in the past now. You had the chance when I hobbled out of our relationship, you neither stopped me nor ever wanted me back – you made that clear with Adam, then even clearer with Steven."

I hung my head at this – I really need him to stop reminding me of all the sucky things I've done regarding him over the last few years. Before I could think about how to answer him he pressed on

"So anyway, why now? What's changed – other than me being happy with someone else?"

I looked away and sighed – I felt rather put-out at the insinuation that I was just jealous. If I'm honest I'm jealous as hell but that's not what's behind my feelings. I thought back to the past, remembering the times Freddie would try to put the moves on me…

_Freddie came and sat next to me on the couch, stretched his arms exaggeratedly before bringing his right arm down to rest on the top of the couch behind my back._

"_Are you feeling the mood?" he asked me suggestively, before Spencer's toilet flushed causing me to giggle at the perfect timing of breaking whatever "mood" Freddie thought he was generating._

It was so much simpler back then – he was the one who was obsessed, now I am instead. He loved me then, now I love him... instead? The thought that he no longer loved me was too painful for me to bear. He had to still love me, he just HAD to. So often I treated it as a joke, treated his feelings as a joke, treated _him_ as a joke. I never appreciated just how precious it WAS to me, that he loved me; he'd do anything for me. I realise now just how much I valued it. If ONLY I had returned it, just once. Even as recently as the Girls' Choice dance, or if I'd stopped him from breaking up with me, or told him I still wanted him when his casts came off, then things would be so, so different. I'd be with him and there'd have been no Adam, no Steven, and no pain of Steven cheating on me: just me and loyal, loving, reliable, dependable Freddie. He could make me truly happy, I realise that now. I just hope I have a chance, and the time, to fix my past screw-ups.

"Honestly?" I began, turning to meet his eyes. "Remember a few weeks ago? The fight you had with Gibby?" He nodded tersely at the memory, his jaw seeming to clench somewhat. "After that happened we spoke and you said that we weren't friends. My first reaction was to blow it off – oh, of course we're friends: we're best friends, what is he talking about? But then I thought about it, I _really_ thought about it," I grabbed his arm for emphasis and looked earnestly into his eyes, like I had done yesterday when I first told him how I feel, "and the one thing that I couldn't answer was: why were you so much happier in Rachel's company than ours? Why were you happier with us: me, Sam, Gibby, _not_ being around you? And the answers seemed to come to me in my sleep: I've been dreaming about _you_ – and us, our past, everything that's gone on since we've known each other – a lot recently Freddie," I admitted, deciding that full disclosure was not quite necessary just now, this was close enough and the truth at least, "she treats you right and we didn't. And I dreamed about our past together – how happy I was around you, how happy I was when we dated and how much better you were than anyone else that I've dated has been. I've been watching how well you two treat each other, remembering how well you've always treated me and… I've kept on dreaming about you" I finished shyly.

I figured I had nothing left to lose now so I turned released his arm and took his hands in my own, locked eyes with him again and poured out the rest of my heart.

"I've fallen in love with you Freddie – for real this time and for all the right reasons."

"Why are you telling me this now Carly?" he sighed. "You know I'm with Rachel. I was in love with you for years but I never interfered with or sabotaged your relationships. I'm finally happy, so why are you trying to wreck it?"

"I don't want to wreck things for you! I don't want to ruin your happiness, it's just _I_ want to be the one to make you happy. I know how much I've screwed up in the past, that I never appreciated you. I want to change all that. I know I'm the girl that can make you truly happy, I want you and I want us to be happy together because I LOVE you" I insisted. "And I needed to tell you before it's too late."

I looked at the floor for a couple of seconds before hesitantly returning my gaze to his face, trying to stop the tears threatening to shimmer in my eyes.

"If it's already too late then so be it, but I love you Freddie Benson and I had to tell you that."

"What did you expect to happen Carly?" he asked me. "Do you think I'm just going to forget about or dump Rachel, forget about the one person in my life who has shown me what love and respect in a relationship – or a friendship for that matter – should be like, forget about everything that's happened over the last few years and just leap into your arms?"

_Well that was kind of the best case scenario I was hoping for._ I just looked at him, not quite sure what to say.

"It's not fair to spring this on me Carly" he protested. "I'm dating Rachel and you suddenly declare that I'm the love of your life?"

"Tell me you don't love me and I'll never bother you again" I insisted, staring straight into his eyes.

He shook his head and sighed.

"I have to go meet Rachel" and with that he left. Despite this I couldn't keep the smile off my face as I watched him go.

"You didn't say you don't still love me" I whispered.

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><p>It was with a renewed spring in my step that I entered Ridgeway the following morning. Usually I really get the "Monday morning feeling" but, after yesterday's "confrontation" with Freddie, today my spirits were high – until I got to my locker. As I stood there alone, organising my things for the day ahead, I suddenly realised that someone was standing very near me. I closed the locker door to reveal too many inches of very angry, glaring ginger girl. She'd drawn herself up to her full height and looked down at me. I felt myself shrinking under her glare. <em>Oh dear, I'm in trouble here<em>.

"There's one reason and one reason only" she began in a soft whisper, leaning ever closer to me "why I haven't kicked your prissy, pathetic little butt into the middle of Idaho for the stunts you pulled this weekend: I respect Freddie too much and it _would_ upset him if I hurt you badly. So I'm warning you instead – Leave him alone. You had your chance, in fact you had YEARS worth of chances, years when he only had eyes for you – and you didn't take it. Freddie's with me now so keep your claws to yourself."

"You told Sam she couldn't beat you out of Freddie's life" I countered, gathering up courage from somewhere and standing up straight, though still several inches shorter than her. "Well you can't do that to _me_ either!"

She gave me a look of pure and utter disdain, leaned in and softly retorted

"Are you _really_ willing to put that theory to the test?" before turning and walking towards her boyfriend, who had just arrived in the building, making sure she planted a big, passionate kiss on him. He seemed happy enough to return it and they spent a good half-minute or more making out.

As I watched her send me an oh so clear message I saw Sam stood a few feet away.

"What was that all about?" she asked as she closed the gap between us.

"I told Freddie I have feelings for him" I admitted.

"WHAT?"

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><p>Later in the day I saw Freddie alone by his locker and confronted him about the incident this morning.<p>

"You told her?" I charged.

"That another girl hit on me? Tried to kiss me?" he snapped. "Yeah I told her. The whole 'honesty and trust in a relationship' is a two-way street Carly." Then he clamped his jaw shut, clearly holding something back.

"Go on" I said, my voice rising. "Whatever you just bit back, say it." He was silent for a couple of seconds. "SAY IT" I repeated, now shouting. Thankfully we were alone so I wasn't humiliating myself publically.

"Fine! I wasn't going to _say it_ because I don't say things just to upset you Carly, but since you asked for it, perhaps the fact that you don't respect truth and honesty in a relationship is one of the reasons you suck at them."

I winced and recoiled at his harsh words, feeling as though I'd been slapped. It seemed that encouraging Freddie to speak his mind didn't work as well as it did for Sam all those years ago on the fire escape. Ouch.

Freddie clearly noticed my shoulders slump as I reacted to his words, for he continued gently

"You need to stop this Carly. Remember how you felt when you found out about Tori and Steven? Now you're trying to do the same thing to my girlfriend."

I nodded sadly, recalling the memory. The thought of what I was doing to them, that I was hurting Freddie, was hard to take. I was, I realise, being selfish. I had tried to tell myself that what I was doing was for the best; because it would make Freddie happier but it turned out I was hurting him with my actions – again.

"I'm sorry" I apologised. "You're right. I'll back off. If I back off can we still hang and try to be friends again?" I asked with a hopeful expression in my eyes.

Freddie didn't answer; instead he pulled me into a soft hug. He whispered into my ear

"Yes, we can be friends, Carls. I miss you not being in my life."

I smiled into his shoulder as I squeezed a little tighter. I had him back as a friend and he knew how I felt. I needed to give him a bit of room, but hoped that spending time with him would rekindle any dormant feelings he still had for me. Maybe I hadn't lost my chance after all; it was all I had to cling onto.


	13. Making Things Worse

__**AN: Hello again to everyone who has read this story and followed the journey so far. To those who have reviewed, my thanks go out to you - hopefully I address a few of the points in this chapter, though some are on-going and will be addressed in the fullness of time. Until then, please enjoy chapter 13. PD  
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><p><em>When I had you to myself I didn't want you around<em>

How those words rang true as I started listening to one of the songs that Tori had recorded and sent me.

_Oh baby, give me one more chance (to show you that I love you)_

_Won't you please let me… back in your arms?_

_Oh darlin' I was blind to let you go (let you go baby)_

_But now since I've seen you in her arms... I want you back_

I really couldn't put it any better than that Tori. I had Freddie's friendship back, somehow he had moved beyond all the crappy things that had happened to him and didn't (outwardly at least) harbour any resentment towards me for it (Sam was another matter but then she had made no effort to make amends with him), but I still wanted more – even though I knew I couldn't openly pursue it: Rachel's warning was suitably explicit that I knew I'd regret making any moves on Freddie while she was in the picture.

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><p>Tuesday night after school Sam and I headed to mine (as usual) but there was one noticeable difference. We came across Freddie heading up in the elevator when we arrived and he was alone – as in <em>without Rachel<em>.

Ever since the confrontations I'd had yesterday I'd decided that I had to change my attitude – or at least my approach. I still love Freddie, I still _want_ Freddie, but I can't go for him directly: I know that now. I have friendship with him: a chance at real, genuine friendship free from the mistakes and manipulations of the past, I'll settle for that for now and hope that by spending more time around him I can rekindle any feelings he still has for me. If I can't then I will try to be genuinely happy for him. In the meantime I'll act like I'm cool with being "just friends".

So I'm playing the long game but it's better than Sam's suggestion, thinking back to what the two of us had said yesterday...

"_I told Freddie I have feelings for him" I told her._

"_WHAT?" Sam asked incredulously._

"_Actually, I told him I'm in love with him". In for a penny and all that…_

"_Whoa Carls, where did this come from? Wait…" her eyes widened "is this what's behind you wanting me to lay off him?"_

"_It wasn't the main reason, but it is a part of it now" I admitted. "Wait a minute" realisation had suddenly hit me "is that why you broke us up with your 'foreign bacon' theory? You didn't want me picking him over you?"_

"_It was one bit of it" she conceded "but it was mostly that I didn't want to see you get hurt."_

"_Well I did" I told her softly._

"_Hey you didn't HAVE to let him go!" she retorted with a hint of anger in her voice. "You didn't HAVE to ignore him when his casts came off. Don't put this all on me, you had a chance to be with him when he was healed and you didn't take it."_

_I nodded, she was right. I'd had my chance and not taken it: something I now hugely regretted. If I had known then what I know now…_

_Sam didn't let me dwell on "what might have beens", instead she persisted_

"_So now what? Operation Break-Up back on. Same plan, different ending? Instead of him coming back to iCarly now we want Carly to get her geek? Sorry" she finished at my reproachful look._

"_Operation Break-Up sounds so cruel" I complained. "I want him to want to be with me, not turn to me because something's happened to split them up."_

"_You might be waiting a long time Carls" she warned. "In fact the way they look together it might never happen." _

_I blinked at her words. Despite what I'd said, and how I really didn't want to see him hurt, even if it led to us getting back together, I couldn't escape the truth of Sam's statement. She pressed home her advantage_

"_What's it really worth to you Carls? What are you willing to risk for him?"_

"_Whatever I have to" I said simply._

"_Then kiss him" she said._

"_I tried that yesterday" I admitted sheepishly. "He retreated."_

"_So try again – but not in private. Here, in school, in front of _her._"_

_My eyes widened._

"_She'll beat me to a bloody pulp!" I complained._

"_Yes, and what will Freddie think of that?" she challenged._

_I paused. Rachel had let my behaviour slide out of respect for Freddie, but could I count on him taking my side over hers if I went after him again? I couldn't say for certain that he would, which made it a pretty damn huge risk to take._

"_We'll call that Plan Z" I told Sam. "Ideally I need a way of getting Freddie without losing my teeth and faculties."_

_Sam shrugged._

"_If it's subtlety you need then mama's out" she told me._

"_Get to class people" shouted Mr Howard all of a sudden, curtailing further discussion for the time being._

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><p>"Hey Freddie, no Rachel tonight?" I asked him.<p>

"No" he said, "it's her dad's birthday so they're having a family party tonight."

"Sucks for you" Sam commented idly. Freddie shot her a bit of a glare and she reluctantly amended "I mean it's a bit of a surprise you weren't invited, you guys being inseparable and all that."

He shrugged, holding her gaze a little longer than was strictly necessarily, probably trying to decide whether or not to make more of an issue of her earlier statement.

"They wanted family only; they have relatives coming in from all over so I think they've a houseful already."

"So" I asked Freddie "you want to hang with us today instead?"

"So you can put the moves on me again?" he asked with a trace of a smirk but not entirely humorously.

I blushed involuntarily. Despite everything I was thinking I had to admit that the thought of spending time with him, without Rachel, appealed to me as an opportunity to talk, reminisce, try to bring any dormant feelings he has nearer the surface, perhaps flirt a little – though maybe not with Sam in the room, I didn't trust her not to start mock-retching and totally killing the mood. Freddie immediately noticed the coloration in my cheeks.

"You have to stop this Carly" he said with a sigh. He didn't look angry, more… sympathetic. "Look, she didn't do anything other than warn you off on Monday because I asked her not to, but if you try something again Rachel would pound you silly for doing it."

"You wouldn't stop her?" Sam challenged.

"Well we know _you_ wouldn't!" he shot back.

"No, you were right" I said before Sam could respond and risk further inflaming tensions – we were still in the corridor after all, a public place. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have tried to come between you two." I could see a slightly surprised look on Sam's face out of the corner of my eye but I pressed on "I'm just going to suck it up like you did for all those years."

"How did you deal with friendship?" he asked with curiosity in his voice. "Knowing how I felt about you" he elaborated.

"I thought we'd established that I didn't deal with it well" I said, looking at him with a mirthless smile. "I took you for granted and abused your feelings for my own ends." I couldn't look him in the eye any longer, my shoulders sagged and I took great interest in my shoes.

"Hey, that's in the past now" he said softly. "We can't change it; we just have to try to move on from it."

I smiled at his response and stepped in for a hug, holding him in a tight embrace, which he reciprocated, albeit releasing me all too quickly. I thought back with a smile to the old days – only this time it was me not wanting to let go after _he_ released me.

"Carly" he said lightly "don't make me flick your head to make you let go!"

I giggled and let go, an embarrassed flush very much now present on my face. He chuckled and gently stroked the top of my head before looking at a spot beyond my shoulder.

"I'd best not hang with you guys tonight" he said quietly.

"Why not?" I asked.

"A couple of things," he explained, "I get the feeling you're still not entirely comfortable being around me as 'just friends' Carls." I wanted to protest but he continued before I could "Rachel's not too happy about the idea either."

"So your _girlfriend_ tells you who you can and can't be friends with?" challenged Sam. _Again Sam, really not helping things_.

"No, but I respect her and her feelings" Freddie shot back. _That word 'Respect' again, it really is so important in their relationship. Maybe Freddie's right, maybe that's why I have done so badly in relationships in the past, I've looked for the wrong thing_.

"Sounds to me like she doesn't trust you" _Sam, will you stop picking a fight with him!_

Freddie looked at me with sympathetic eyes before saying, hesitantly "She doesn't trust _Carly_" then, seeing Sam glower, continued – obviously speaking to me this time "and the other reason – it looks like 'Project Sam' is beyond your powers."

"Yes, it does" I replied sadly and quietly, eyes trained on him.

"I'm going to get my gear and hit the Fencing Studio. See you at school tomorrow girls" he finished before heading inside his apartment. I unlocked our own and dragged Sam inside before rounding on her.

"What the hell was that Sam? I TOLD you that you have to act better around Freddie and you said you would!"

She stared back evenly.

"I also wanted to show him that his little girly friend isn't perfect if she's banning him from being friends with you. You wanted subtle? This is me being subtle Carls – sowing the seeds."

"Well look where it's got us" I countered. "He's not here, he thinks you'll never treat him like a human being and if he won't be around you then it means _I_ get less time around him to see if I still have a shot with him."

"If he goes along with her then you've no shot anyway Carls: face it, if she's stopping him from seeing you at all then there's no iCarly and you've no hope of 'Creddie' happening have you?"

She was right, of course, but I'd realised over the last couple of days that what I wanted couldn't be my only concern – to a point anyway.

"I can't just pursue him though" I told her. "I won't do it, he's happy. Remember what I said yesterday: the only way I want to get him is to make him happier than she does; I'm not just splitting them up so I can chase him on the rebound. He has to want to want me."

She was about to argue the point when I persisted

"I challenged him on Sunday, to tell me that he doesn't love me – he didn't say it. I _know_ he still has feelings for me, but I need to show him that I love him more than she does; I need to hope he loves me more than he does her. And he needs to know that YOU won't make him regret being around me – not for a second."

Sam bowed her head meekly.

"Ok Carls, if you really want to get your geek, mama will play nice."

"Thank you." Then I smiled. "Now come on, there's a _Celebrities Underwater_ marathon about to start."

We made our way to the couch for an evening of gossip and mindless TV. I was desperate to take my mind off my Freddie obsession, at least for tonight.


	14. A Trip To Forget

**Hello readers, thank you as always to those who read this story and particularly to those who reviewed it. FF88 – some very good points over the last couple of chapters, particularly your view on how iSYL ended and the (lack of) aftermath on the show. As regards trust, remember Freddie said his girlfriend trusts **_**him**_** just not Carly... Truth? Spin? Freddie guilt-tripping her?**

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><p>6 a.m.? Why was my alarm going off this early? Oh yeah it's the field trip to Tillicum Village for history today. I looked out of my bedroom window, a little cloudy but the weather looks ok. That being the case I slipped on my medium-blue jeans, a white, slightly frilly shirt and black jacket and head down to the kitchen. As expected Spencer isn't up yet so I just fix myself a quick breakfast, some cereal and toast.<p>

Thankfully I was able to arrange a ride to school with Freddie so I don't need to worry about my brother's absence this morning. Sure enough, on the dot of 6:30, just as he'd promised, Freddie knocks on my front door. I put my used kitchenware into the sink, grab my bag and meet him at the door.

"Hey Carls, you ready to go?" he greets me.

"Sure, let's go."

He was dressed similarly, jeans and a striped polo shirt (so a little less frilly than my top, unsurprisingly!) and a light jacket draped over his arm. Stripes were a safe choice for him today as Sam doesn't take this class so I wasn't going to see her during the school day; I shudder to think at what trouble she will get herself into while I'm not around.

At this time of the morning traffic was fairly light so we got to Ridgeway easily enough. As we got out of his car Freddie leaned back to grab an umbrella (smart boy, he knows the Seattle climate, I didn't plan for rain) and we walked over to where the coach was stationed. Rachel, unsurprisingly, was stood waiting and met Freddie with a big hug and kiss. She acknowledged my presence with a smile that may have been more of a smirk then the two linked hands and boarded the coach, making their way towards the back where they could have a little privacy. I found an empty seat near the front and sat there alone with my thoughts and woes.

* * *

><p>The journey wasn't that long, but too long for my liking. I kept stealing glances to the happy couple (oh who am I kidding, I looked round as often as I could without them realising and thinking I was spying on them – though one time I looked round Rachel was staring straight at me, I gave up for a few minutes after that), throughout the trip they were cuddling, flirting, laughing and kissing: they really are a sweet couple but seeing that sort of intimacy from them is not a way to improve my mood regarding the whole Freddie situation. I <em>am<em> trying to be happy for him, really I am, but it's so difficult when it's like I barely exist in his world anymore.

Soon enough we reached Blake's Island and headed to the village. Most of the group split into pairs, Rachel taking Freddie's hand and the two swiftly disappearing into the grounds of the village. Anxious not to be following and watching them any more than I had to, I picked up a guide book and made my way, alone, into the first of the buildings, reasoning I could do the outdoor part of the activity a little later. I spent a pleasant, quiet couple of hours walking around various parts of the village, compiling notes for the later assignment, starting to feel a little concerned that the day was becoming increasingly overcast and realising that Freddie's umbrella looking a good call.

We met as a group to have a quick break for lunch. Shortly afterwards I saw Freddie sat on his own on a bench flicking through the guidebook and adding to his voluminous notes.

"Mind if I sit?" I asked him. He responded by motioning to the bench with his hand and continued to write, brow furrowed in concentration. I took a seat next to him and, for want of something to do, began perusing my own guidebook and notes. I was about to speak again when Rachel emerged from the restrooms nearby. Freddie stood and handed her her bag. I looked at the couple.  
>"You guys want to make a three for the rest of the day?" I asked, more in hope than expectation – I mean <em>I<em> wouldn't want to walk around with my boyfriend and a girl that I knew was in love with him. Freddie just looked to Rachel with a totally empty and even expression, he's clearly not going to stand up for me here, Rachel meanwhile shrugged and said

"Not really" before taking Freddie's hand and they walked off together, Freddie quickly shooting me what may have been an apologetic look as they left.

Having completed the indoor activities I went outside to do the work on the part of the assignment based on the grounds of the village. Typically the heavens chose that moment to open (you live in Seattle Carly! Haven't you learned to ALWAYS carry an umbrella?) but I carried on regardless. Without Freddie to love me I really didn't care, I just trudged around the grounds alone trying to shield my notepad from the rain and write something I could use for my schoolwork. Without Freddie being mine to love in return I didn't care about the consequences of walking in the rain, soaking wet, I ignored the cold, my soaked hair, shirt, jeans, the lot, nothing really mattered to me anymore. Finally I was back inside and under cover, looking like I'd just climbed out of a swimming pool, shivering with cold, stood in a crowd of my peers, all of them talking, joking, laughing (doubtless a few of them laughing at me looking the way I did) yet I felt completely alone. At times like this Freddie would always be there, he'd offer me his coat, warm me up, help me to dry off or just give me his smile, the one that immediately made me feel that everything was going to be ok, the one that made everything feel better, made me feel safe, made me feel LOVED. Now he was with his girlfriend, while I had nobody at all and wanted nobody else. It was true that since I had realised that I was in love with him, no boys had asked me out on a date or tried to sweet-talk me. If they did, what would I say? Yes in order to dull the pain, maybe try to see a flicker of jealousy on Freddie's face? Or no because my heart wouldn't and couldn't be in dating anyone else while the love of my life was around?

Again I found myself sympathising with the situation Freddie had been in for so long, and again found myself wishing my feelings had become clear before Rachel appeared on the scene. I was sure that all I needed was one chance with Freddie, but it looked like I wouldn't be able to get it and now, despite his words, even simple friendship was looking beyond us because Rachel didn't trust me: again I can't really blame her not wanting a girl who's in love with her boyfriend hanging around him, even if she is currently cold, drippy and miserable.

I had lost track of how long I stood there for before his voice pulled me back to reality

"Carly?"

I looked up and gazed into those brown eyes, as full of concern as I had ever seen them.

"You're soaked – and shivering, you must be freezing. Here" and he dug in his backpack before producing a towel, doubtless his mom made him pack one "just in case". He looked at his girlfriend and jerked his head in the direction of the restrooms. She sighed slightly and theatrically before grabbing my wrist and dragging me, unprotesting (and still rather dazed) into the ladies'.

"Get those wet things off before you catch pneumonia" she said brusquely. I complied meekly, shedding my sodden outer clothing before Rachel shoved Freddie's towel into my hands and I dried off as best as I could while she used the hot air hand driers to begin drying my things, having first wrung out as much moisture as she could from them.

Noticing that I was still shivering after towelling myself dry she guided me, not too gently, under one of the air driers and I stayed there warming myself as best as I could. Eventually everything was warm and dry enough for me to dress again, feeling once more like a member of the human race, if not fully back to bouncy, peppy web hostess Carly Shay, and I turned to Rachel with a smile.

"Thank you" I said simply.

She looked at me ambivalently before saying simply, in a voice little more than a whisper

"Like I told you earlier this week, it would hurt my boyfriend if anything _too_ bad happened to you. You're just lucky he still gives a damn after all the crap you've pulled on him over the years."

Boyfriend... she's leaving no doubt in the message – "he belongs to me now." But more than that, something in her words struck me

"So you've... talked a lot about what's happened over the years we've done iCarly?" I asked timidly, wondering exactly what Freddie had said about me.

"Well" she began, voice dripping with sarcasm, annoyance and just a smattering of disgust, ticking off with her fingers as she continued "we've covered you electrocuting him, you throwing missiles at him, pushing him off chairs – even before we get to all the stuff _Samantha_" boy she loves to spit that name out "did on your watch – and often with your encouragement" she finished, annoyance tipping towards anger.

"It was just one time I encouraged her..." I tried to defend myself, though the phrase "defending the indefensible" rang true in my mind.

"Once too often" she cut me off.

"I know" I conceded. "I've apologised to Freddie. I don't have a time machine though so I can't change it; I can't do anything else really."

"You're very lucky that he's a lot more forgiving than most people Carly" she said and walked out of the restroom. I took a deep breath and followed her, catching up when she got to Freddie. She had handed him his towel back and he was busy stowing it back in his bag. Our teacher then called us together and informed us that it was time to head back. I made a point of saying a quick thank you to Freddie as we walked to the coach. He smiled and dismissed it as 'nothing' in his nonchalant Freddie way.

Soon we were back at Ridgeway. Rachel's parents were picking her up; Freddie was taking me back home. I watched them kiss goodbye (like they hadn't been making out enough during the day) then we drove back.

"I wonder how Sam got on on her own today" I said, to start a conversation.

"Have you got any missed calls or messages on your phone?" he asked.

"No." I wondered where he was going with this.

"Well, she's probably not in juvie then."

I giggled at his dry observation and commented

"That's something". He smiled at the sound of me laughing and shot me a couple of furtive glances, while making sure to keep most of his attention trained on the road in front of him. We exchanged a few more words about the things we'd seen and done on the trip but far too soon we were pulling into the car park at Bushwell Plaza and making our way up to the 8th floor. We stopped outside our respective front doors and turned to one another.

"Thank you" I said again. "It means a lot that you – and Rachel – were looking out for me today."

"You're Carly, I'm Freddie" he said, brown eyes shimmering softly as he looked straight into my own, "I'm never going to _stop_ caring about you, no matter what happens."

At his words I pulled him in for a tight hug and, not caring about propriety, kissed him softly on the cheek. I made to pull away, completely caught up in the moment and wanting to seek out his lips, but – perhaps reading my mind – he held me close until I relaxed back into his grasp. He shifted slightly to rest his chin on my head for a few seconds before letting me go and saying

"I'll see you tomorrow Carls" and heading home, so I turned and did likewise.

Spencer was home with dinner cooking (and, unusually, nothing on fire) when I walked into 8-C. He greeted me with the traditional "Hey kiddo", which I returned before heading to my room to dump my bag, shower and change. We ate, talked about our days (I omitted a few details here and there) then I spent a couple of hours working on the assignment using the notes I'd made during today's trip. I coughed a little more than usual during the evening but thought no more of it as I headed to bed, safe in the knowledge that Freddie would always care about me.

* * *

><p>I woke up the next day in desperate need of someone to take care of me. Every bone, every muscle, every part of my body absolutely ACHED. My head was sore and throbbing, my nose blocked, I'd just woken up yet I felt exhausted, it was awful. I took it out on my alarm clock, refusing to rise <em>or<em> shine when it went off, instead I could do nothing but close my eyes again and try to ignore the world. Eventually I was woken again by Spencer hammering on the door.

"Carlyyyyyyyy" he yelled through my bedroom door. "Time to get up kiddo, Freddie's here to give you a ride in!"

"I'm not going" I croaked, voice struggling as much as the rest of me was. "I feel awful."

I could hear Freddie and Spencer conversing outside, but tuned out as I threatened to swim in and out of consciousness again. I just lay there, closed my eyes and sought to forget the world, until I felt a hand on my forehead and heard my brother's voice.

"She's definitely running a temperature."

"Probably sick after walking out in the rain for so long yesterday." That was Freddie's voice, concern etched on every syllable. If I didn't ache so much I would have smiled at the thought.

"I'll call the doctor."

"I've got to go to school, but I'll call you at lunch? Let me know how she is?"

"Sure thing Freddo."

I was asleep again before I heard Spencer say anything else to me, only waking when disturbed by the doctor poking and prodding me. He asked me some questions, I really don't remember what they were or what the answers I gave him were, he gave Spencer a list of meds and he ran out to get them, all the while I continued to sleep and wake, struggling to find a position where I was comfortable enough to lay still without too much pain. Spencer returned and managed to cajole me into some food and meds before I fell asleep again, not to wake until Sam and Freddie were both stood over me, concerned looks on their faces. Despite the fact that everything still hurt I took solace in their temporary return to civility and willingness to be in the same room as one another, whatever it had taken for it to happen.

"Hey guys" I said, weakly. "How was school?"

Freddie laughed a little at that. They talked a bit about school, tried to ply me with drinks, their habitual bickering was kept to a minimum – Sam was either taking heed of my demands regarding Freddie, or she was treading on egg shells making sure not to antagonise him while they were both here to check on me: either way the three of us spent a comfortable time talking before Freddie checked his watch and jumped up with a sharp exclamation.

"I've got to go Carls; I'm meeting Rachel downstairs in a few minutes. I'm glad you're feeling a little better and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks for checking in on me" I said wearily and managed to raise my arm sufficiently to wave as he backed out of the room, a small smile on his face. As he left Sam leaned closer and spoke to me in a low voice

"So what happened Carls? Spencer says you've got pneumonia – something about walking around half of yesterday in the rain on this field trip?"

I groaned, Freddie must have told him during their conversation this morning. I filled her in on the details as best as I could, finishing on a happy note in that Freddie had told me he would always care about me, something that had really elevated my spirits – and my hopes that all was not yet lost.

"Enough about me" I said, "what have you been doing these last couple of days", then added with a bit of a smirk, "without me to keep you out of trouble."

"Not too much" she laughed, "Briggs gave me detention for something I said to her in English yesterday but apart from that things have been fine. Freddie told me this morning about you being sick and I was too worried to annoy any of the teachers today." We shared a laugh at that.

Sam stayed a little longer, enough to satisfy herself that I was fine. Spencer brought some food up, Sam ate far more of it than I did, then as I began to drift off again she elected to leave. I slept fitfully again, hoping that I'd soon kick my sickness and be up and around again.


	15. iConvalesce

**AN: Hello again to all my readers and, especially, reviewers. I'm glad you're all continuing to enjoy this story. There will probably only be one more chapter after this one, just to wrap everything up (hopefully) neatly.**

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><p>I spent almost the whole weekend laid up or in bed. For most of Saturday I was tired, lethargic and had zero appetite. The one highlight was the amount of time that Freddie was with me: he arrived mid-morning on Saturday and spent a couple of hours just making sure I was ok and looking out for me. He did have to leave to go fencing with Rachel but the pair returned a few hours later and both spent time at my bedside late into Saturday evening. Whilst, of course, I would have preferred to have been alone with Freddie, Rachel's presence, and her being nice to me while I was recuperating, was a small price to pay for spending some more time with Freddie. Shortly after their return Sam showed up as well.<p>

"Hey girls... and Freddie" she added: however grudgingly or reluctantly she at least _sounded_ sincere saying hello to them both – and didn't leave it long enough that he could infer that she was trying to bracket him in the "girls".

All too soon Freddie had to leave again: he and Rachel were going out for dinner and a move. He kissed my forehead and told me he'd see me tomorrow. Rachel's face, I noticed, fell for a split second at the innocent kiss before she made herself smile, slipped her right arm around Freddie's waist, said goodbye to me and the pair left my room and, presumably, our apartment – leaving Sam and I alone. I smiled at her.

"Thank you" I said, before elaborating "for holding your tongue these last couple of days: I know you and Rachel really don't like each other – I'm grateful that you didn't start anything with her."

Sam shrugged.

"I know you want Freddie around; and I know he cares about you. If I chase her off then he goes too."

"Well thanks" I repeated.

I was tiring rapidly by now so Sam didn't stay much longer: we talked a little before she left to raid our fridge.

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><p>Sunday was little different, though I did venture downstairs for breakfast; I was tired of staring at the same four walls for so long. Spencer did insist, however, that I lay on the couch watching TV while I ate. Freddie looked in around 10 a.m., pleased to see me out of bed: he was on his way to meet Rachel (again) and warned me, now that I was on the mend, he would likely be bringing some homework with him after school tomorrow to make sure I don't get too far behind while I recuperate.<p>

"Way to kill a girl's mood Fredward!" I teased; he simply smirked in response causing me to laugh, something I regretted immediately as even that simple act was still rather painful for me. Satisfied that I was ok Freddie departed, just as Sam arrived; the pair exchanged a curt but civil greeting and Sam enquired as to my health en route to the kitchen to see what she could make Spencer prepare for her. As I still had little appetite there was plenty of food for her bottomless pit of a stomach to receive.

While she was eating a report came on the TV about Mona Patterson's house in San Diego burning down overnight, something about a candle starting it: I made a mental note to ask Tori about it the next time I e-mailed her; she may get more detailed news about that sort of stuff on a local channel.

As I was rather more alert today than I had been over the last couple of days, Sam asked me how my quest to win back Freddie's heart was going. I went over the events of Thursday again, in a little more detail this time, and how concerned he had been, how Rachel had agreed to help me out at his behest; she still didn't seem to like or trust me but was willing to be around me for his sake. Sam cut to the chase

"So you're no closer to getting him to pick you over her then?"

"No, and I've decided, once and for all, that I'm not going to force it. He knows how I feel: at one time he'd have dropped everything at the news that I loved him – remember when u texted him from my phone?" Sam grinned guiltily at the memory then pointed her thumb at the entrance to our apartment as she recalled

"He was through that door in less than 5 seconds."

"I know – things are different now, he's made it clear that he won't break up with her just because of how I feel. He says he still cares, and his actions have shown that over these last few days, but I wonder if he still actually LOVES me. I told you earlier – when I challenged him he didn't answer" I finished, pre-empting her next question.

"So that's it?" she snapped. "You're just going to let her win?"

"I'm giving HIM his shot at happiness" I explained. "I love him enough to let him have that; I finally realise that much at least".

Sam looked like she wanted to protest but my mind's made up: it's time I started acting like a true best friend (like my brain was telling me to in my dreams), so I'm going to do that from now on: Freddie loved me enough to let me go (after the taco truck incident), I'm going to do the same – however much it hurts to do it. If it's meant to be then it will happen, if not… he'll be the best male friend I could ever ask for. We watched a little more TV before I drifted off, my body's still battling my illness, and awoke to find myself alone and back in my bed. A glance at my bedside clock told me it was a little after mid-day so I'd slept for a couple of hours.

I walked back downstairs, moving far better than before, my muscles felt a lot less painful than they had over the last couple of days, and saw Spencer at work on his latest sculpture.

"Carly!" he declared "How was your nap?"

"Fine" I smiled, "who carried me up? You or Sam?"

"Sam" he admitted quietly, looking a little embarrassed about it, "just after you fell asleep. She stayed with you up there a little while then left an hour or so ago."

"Is the fridge empty then?" I joked, bringing a laugh from my brother.

"No" he said, "she just said that she had 'stuff to do'. I didn't ask and don't want to hear."

I just hope it has nothing to do with Freddie and Rachel.

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><p>As it turned out it seemed I was worried over nothing, Sam was actually doing school work! Presumably she realised she couldn't copy mine, as I hadn't been there, and asking Freddie would involve dealing with Rachel. Who would have thought school work was the preferable option for her?<p>

Anyway it was something of a lonely afternoon for me, Spencer was focussed on his artwork, Sam wasn't around and nor was Freddie, the latter being somewhere with his girlfriend as usual. I watched some more TV then, when I got bored of that, I fetched my laptop and goofed off on-line, looking for anything new that was worth watching on Splashface, firing off a few e-mails to Tori and the others, keeping in touch with the goings-on in their lives and my own (I kept details of my own life deliberately vague though: I didn't want to worry them with news of my illness, nor did I want my unrequited Freddie-love to become any more common knowledge at the moment, and certainly not among our mutual friends)

* * *

><p>Monday morning: I'm off school (obviously); Freddie looked in before he left but I was still asleep when he did. There was some good news when the doctor came by; it turns out that I <em>don't<em> have pneumonia – it's either light 'flu or a heavy cold – so I should only be off school for a week. Freddie, as he said, will keep me plied with work so I shouldn't be too behind when I get back to Ridgeway.

With little to do, there being only so much daytime TV one can stomach, only so much stuff worth watching on Splashface and only so much time I can spend watching Spencer at his art, I found myself alone with my thoughts an awful lot. Inevitably they would turn to Freddie, wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking about and constantly telling myself

"He's happy, he's happy. I want him to be happy."

It had become my new mantra, my new philosophy. I wasn't ready to move on from him, I don't know how to move on when he's still such a big part of my life, especially when my feelings are so strong. Thinking back on the other boys in my life: my crushes like Adam or Jake, even my relationship with Steven that _almost_ made it to 100 days, what I felt for them pales into insignificance when I compare them to how I feel about Freddie now, stronger – if less intense – than they were immediately post-Taco truck (again I ponder on what might have been). I was looking back and trying to pinpoint exactly when these feelings started. I may have _realised_ once I got jealous of him and Rachel (that was the moment I could definitively say that I was _in love_ with him), my dreams of a few weeks ago may have nudged me in that direction (along with how much I missed him when he suspended our friendship, when he quit iCarly and when he showed me quite clearly that he'd found someone who treated him with love and respect) but I realised that the moment I first thought I could feel something for him was after the Girls' Choice dance, when his little act lifted my mood and rescued the night. I felt so at home in his arms, dancing close – I think of it now as such a perfect moment, one I'd give anything to relive.

I think I denied my feelings because… it was Freddie – I still saw him as just Freddie, the boy next door who'd been crushing on me for years, not as a viable boyfriend; maybe as someone who would always be a back-up, there for me if I could find no-one better. Finally, though, I understood: I never _would_ find anyone better, but _he_ had; and the admission hurt me to the core.

Soul-searching complete I did the only thing I could; I thought back to happier times, old memories of Freddie and I. I focussed on the good and suppressed the bad (I'd seen enough of those in my dreams) and allowed myself some alone-time to cry over the boy I've lost.

Monday evening he showed up, Rachel in tow, with an armful of school-work for me. I was relaxing in bed: after dragging myself out of my gloom I'd taken a short walk around the 8th floor corridor a couple of hours earlier, the first time I'd left the apartment, and I needed a rest. The couple stayed for a while, filling me in on some of the gossip and stories from around school. We shared a few laughs at the rumours surrounding my absence (Wendy was convinced I was actually dead so that rumour was lapping the campus with alarming speed). All too soon, though, my body had had enough of the day so I had to plead fatigue and let them go. As he got up to leave Freddie leaned in and kissed my forehead again. I could see Rachel in my line of sight and while she didn't look _angry_ at the subtle display of affection she looked rather... upset by it, almost as if his little act was causing her pain.


	16. iWill Always Love Him

**So here we are, the final chapter of this story. As ever thanks to everybody for reading and, especially, reviewing. Please enjoy the finalé of iMiss Freddie.**

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><p>I took the rest of that week off school to finish recovering from my sickness. Every evening without fail Freddie would call by, Rachel in tow, with a fresh supply of homework, picked up my completed work to return the next day, they filled me in on the latest gossip from around school and we just hung and chatted. I was leaving the apartment more frequently and for longer periods and by Friday I felt up to returning to school the following week. I gave them the good news, Freddie looked happy, Rachel rather less so, though she seemed to be hiding it well from her boyfriend. I also noticed that every time they left, and Freddie would give me an affectionate but innocent forehed kiss (which I really liked but tried to hide just how much), Rachel's face would get a little... not exactly darker but she was looking more than a little downcast, almost troubled.<p>

Sam had also been showing up on an evening (surprise huh?) usually timing her arrival to coincide with the couple's departure (either that or she was downstairs pigging out after asking Spencer if Rachel and Freddie were upstairs with me). She'd finally dropped most of the Freddie talk – it looked like I'd convinced her that I was done chasing him – so we stuck to how I was (improving), how much trouble she was getting into at school (plenty) and whether there were any hot guys on the scene for her (not at the moment, nobody she had her eye on – though I dropped a couple of none too subtle hints that she should pursue Brad for real: she laughed and suggested that I sort out my own romantic life before trying to involve myself in hers). I managed to persuade her to spend some time doing homework with me those evenings too; even when I'm sick I have to cajole her into getting her grades up – I really worry about what she's going to do after we graduate.

Finally Monday morning came around, Freddie came over bright and early and we headed for school.

* * *

><p>"Hey Freddie" I greeted him in the 8th floor corridor.<p>

"Hey Carls, how are you?"

"I'm good, thanks. Rachel's not with you?"

"No, she went home straight after school. She's been a bit distant all week really" he added, sounding puzzled.

"She was looking a bit down when you guys left my room on an evening while I was sick last week" I told him.

"Really? She never said anything." _Oh Freddie, you boys are SO blind!_

It was Friday evening, around 5. I'd been back at school for a week. I had stayed true to my self-imposed exile from Freddie – I wasn't _avoiding_ him but I wasn't actively looking for him either, though he did find me around school surprisingly often between classes (particularly in between consecutive classes that we didn't share). Sometimes his girlfriend was with him but usually he was alone, just seemingly wanting to check up on me and make sure that I was ok after my illness. It seems the more I try to keep away from him the more he comes to me. While I love being around him, it hurts at the same time; such a strange and difficult contradiction.

Later on, around 8 p.m., I heard a knock on the Bensons' front door. I snuck a peek through the spyhole to see Rachel waiting for admittance to her boyfriend's home. I was both surprised, seeing her show up after deciding not to hang with him earlier in the evening, and disappointed, another late-night visit seemingly confirming to me that their relationship had indeed moved on.

About an hour after I saw Rachel enter Freddie's home there was a knock on my door. I looked through the spyhole and there she was, standing in front of me, Rachel. She looked a little dishevelled and there were traces of tear stains on her cheeks. I was shocked at the sight and slightly nervous of her but invited her in.

"I won't stay long" she said without preamble, along with a slight quaver in her voice. "I just needed to tell you: you win."

"Huh?"

"I went over there to break up with Freddie, and I did. You have his heart, not me. I know that now."

"WHAT?" I was absolutely stunned at her words. "What brought this on?"

"His reaction to you being sick: the worry in his face, in his voice, how concerned he's been, how distracted he was around me. He tried to suppress it, he tried to concentrate on me but I could tell his mind was elsewhere. He denied it, even tonight, and he insisted he didn't want us to break up, but the truth is there for anyone who cares to look – and I had to look" she finished sadly.

A thought struck me in the midst of my confusion. "But I thought you had his heart, his… everything. I thought you were over there because you two were… y'know"

"He said that?" she asked in surprise.

"No" I said, "but I saw you go over there late at night a couple of weeks ago and I assumed…"

"Oh" she said, "no, my parents were away that night. I didn't want to be alone and Freddie couldn't stay at mine because his mom would freak if he wasn't home when she arrived. He's given you his heart; one day he'll give you _that_ as well."

"He'll take something in return" I said shyly. She smirked softly.

"So him being worried over a friend being sick; that's reason enough for you to break up with him? I thought you loved him." I said to her.

"I do" she said quietly, blinking rapidly.

"Then why do this? What happened over there?" I pressed, bewildered.

* * *

><p><em>Rachel knocked on the Bensons' door. Freddie opened it, his eyebrows raising at his girlfriend's surprise visit.<em>

_"Rachel, hi" he said, leaning in for a kiss and unable to hide his surprise and slight feeling of hurt when she pulls away._

_"We need to talk Freddie" she said, voice trembling. Before he could respond she took his hand and led him to the couch in the Living Room._

_"You love her" she said simply after they sat, looking straight into his eyes. He returned her gaze steadily, but with a hint of confusion on his face._

_"Carly?" he asked. She nodded._

_"All this time that she'd been ill it's become obvious. I know you care about me Freddie, and I know you like being around me, but she's the one that has your heart." Freddie tried to interrupt but she cut him off. "Let me finish, please. I want you to be happy, Freddie, that's all I wanted for you. I really hoped, and for a while I thought, that we could make each other happy - and we do - but seeing you look at her, it's obvious that you'd be settling for second best if you stayed with me. You're a good man, Freddie: you're noble and loyal to a fault. Most guys, hearing the girl of their dreams was in love with them, they'd kick their current squeeze to the kerb in a heartbeat. You won't do that so I have to make the choice to let you be happy with her. I hope we can still be friends, still be around each other at school and I love fencing with you, but as a couple: we're done Freddie" she finished as the tears rolled down her cheeks._

_Freddie sat in shock for a moment before reaching out and pulling the ginger girl close to him, tears coursing down his own face, spilling off his jaw and onto her shirt where they mingled with her own._

_The former couple sat in silence, holding each other, letting out the tears and sadness from the break-up until eventually Rachel stood up._

_"I'd better go" she whispered. "Be happy Freddie. I'll see you at school."_

_Freddie nodded sadly then allowed himself a small smile._

_"Next time we fence I'm taking the safeties off now we're not dating!" he challenged, causing her to smile in return._

_"Bring it on Benson!" she growled humorously._

_Rachel then let herself out of apartment 8-D, took a couple of steadying, composing breaths, wiped the tears from her face with her sleeve and stepped across to the door of 8-C and rapped on it with her knuckles._

* * *

><p>"I had to end it because <em>he<em> won't." she explained sadly. "Even though he loves you more and would be happier with you, he isn't going to leave me for you; it's not in his nature, he'd never hurt me like that; he'll just carry on denying his true feelings for my sake. I won't let him do that. I love him enough to let him go, to give him his shot at being truly happy and I realised that I'm not the person that can do that." I was stunned to hear this, and amazed that she had come to the same decision, and for the same reason, as I had. "I do have one thing to say though" she continued, "I did this for him, to make him happy. If you hurt him – in ANY way – I will hurt you worse." She looked straight into my eyes, sincerity etched within them.

I returned her stare, equally truthful.

"If I ever hurt him, I hope you make good on that promise" I told her.

We were both completely at a loss for what to say on the subject so I looked to the door and commented

"So… I guess I should go over there."

"Not tonight" she said, to my surprise. "Give him the night to process. He'll still be there in the morning." I nodded slowly in agreement.

"So, what now for you?" I asked. "You and Freddie have been inseparable since you came to Ridgeway."

"We'll still see each other in class" she said with a sigh. "Maybe we won't work together in science – that could be tough and you might want rid of Sam as a partner" she smiled mischievously and I giggled "and we'll still fence, perhaps not as often as we have been doing but we will: and who knows? Maybe we won't go easy on each other in future." We were both laughing now. "I'll be fine in time" then she turned serious "and I'll be watching and waiting in case you screw it up and break his heart."

"I'm not going to" I insisted, putting every ounce of feeling and passion I could into it. She nodded tersely.

"Well, I should go" she said. "Take care of him Carly. I'll see you at school."

I stepped up to her and hugged her. She flinched a little before giving me a quick squeeze in return, then we let go and she left my apartment.

Again it was a night where I struggled to sleep, though for completely different reasons this time. I was stunned by her actions, her selflessness, what she was willing to do for the boy she loved. She was a better person by far than me but I wasn't going to let her sacrifice be in vain. Finally by 6 a.m. I could take it no more. I took a shower, did my hair and a touch of make-up, put on one of my nice-but-not-too-fancy figure-hugging dresses and, on the dot of 7 a.m. slipped across the hallway to knock softly on the Bensons' door. A few moments later a sleep-deprived looking Freddie answered, still in his nightwear. We locked eyes for a couple of seconds before both stepping forward, closing the gap between us and sharing a searing, passionate kiss. I put into that one kiss all of my emotions – the love I feel for him, the frustration at having wanted to do this for so long but not being able to, the desire to be close to him, to keep him, to never let him go: all of it and more in that single meeting of our lips. We reluctantly broke apart for air after… maybe half a minute? ... Freddie pulled me close to his body and rested his chin on the top of my head, making idle circles on my back with his right hand while his left held me in place (not that I wanted to move: I'd have stayed there forever with my arms around him given the chance). Eventually he pulled back but only so he could claim my lips again and slip his tongue into my mouth. I "fought back" with my own tongue and we made out in the doorway for a while before he took my hand, pulled me gently but firmly into his apartment, we headed over to his couch, I surprised him by taking the lead, pushing him down and then laid on top of him before we resumed kissing – until his mom woke up several minutes later, left her bedroom and interrupted us with a scream.

"Get off him!" she yelled, along with some confused babbling as to what was going on and what had happened to Rachel.

"Sorry" I said, breaking the kiss, lifting my head and looking at her, before turning back to Freddie. "But I'm never letting go of him again".

My lips then resumed the more enjoyable task of kissing her son, while she screamed like a deranged harpy.

* * *

><p><em>One week later<em>

We were in my room, I was laid on my bed reading and Freddie was laid on the ice-cream love-seat, having just finished moving the boats around on my table, when he suddenly started laughing softly.

"What's so funny?" I asked, looking up at him from my book.

"Nothing" he said lightly, but continued to chuckle.

"Don't make me pin you and force it out of you Benson" I growled, though with playfulness evident in my voice. He laughed even harder as I rose from the bed.

"Oh Carly" he said, "you haven't been able to pin me since we were thirteen!"

I narrowed my eyes and ran at him. He was starting to stand from the love-seat as I reached him. He was off-balance so I was able to knock him to the ground easily and landed on top of him. My advantage was short-lived though as he gripped my forearms – gently but firmly – and used his superior strength to ease me off him sufficiently to turn us over so that suddenly he was laid on top of me, my arms pinned to the floor. Not that I minded too much, the view was wonderful – his slightly flushed face mere inches from my own, both of us gazing into the other's eyes.

"Hi" I said, putting on a goofy smile and sweet voice.

"Hi" he replied, his own smile growing on his face.

I stopped struggling but tried to raise my head and bring my lips to his. He met me half-way and we shared a soft, sweet kiss. After we eventually broke the contact I asked him,

"So what WAS so funny?"

"Honestly?" he grinned. "Nothing – and this. I knew you'd take the bait and do this Carls, and I just wanted you in this position, so that I could do this" and he kissed me again.

I closed my eyes, melting into his kisses and his touch. Finally I had my boy back, and not just Freddie but Freddie, the love of my life. Now I resolved to spend the rest of my life making sure I keep him with me, make him happy – and I'll make sure I treat him right this time.

* * *

><p><strong>And we're done. Some of you will have liked the ending, some of you will have hated it. I hope, however, that you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.<strong>

**A HUGE thank you to all my loyal reviewers, particularly FFR88 and SirRay, whose continual input and insight chapter after chapter has been invaluable to me in writing this story.**

**As a lot of you know I'm still working on my Victorious x-over, Freddie Goes To Hollywood and one or two other projects. I am toying with the idea of a continuation of this dealing with the Creddie relationship (and maybe brewing a little Creddie "Special Lemonade") - think it's a good idea? Or a really bad one? Let me know, but for now this is PD31 signing off. Thanks again for reading.**


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